SCOTUS Immigration Law Decision Inadvertently Gives Entire State Of Arizona To Cesar Millan

Cesar Millan. (Photo credit: National Geographic Channels / Evelyn Hockstein)
Cesar Millan. (Photo credit: National Geographic Channels / Evelyn Hockstein)


The Supreme Court of the United States, has issued their ruling on Arizona’s controversial tough immigration law. But in addition to striking down most of the law’s key provisions, also included waaay in the back, was a little surprise- Arizona is no longer a part of the United States. In fact, it now belongs to television’s iconic “Dog Whisperer”, Cesar Millan.

While the five to three ruling, with Justice Anthony Kennedy writing for the majority and Justice whoever for the minority, was supposed to address Governor Jan Brewer and the Arizona Legislature’s attempt to put in place what some (hell, what a whole lot of Americans) saw as racial profiling, a variant of DWB (Driving While Black), but with the added pressure of being not just thrown in jail, but thrown out of the country if proper proof of American citizenship or green card…uh, ship, couldn’t be established. And that’s where the trouble began.

The Chief Justice may be John Roberts, but the title of Chief Scamp undoubtedly belongs to Ruth Bader Ginsberg, or at least one of her law clerks. While reading the Arizona brief, Justice Ginsberg allegedly shook her head and muttered, “This country’s going to the dogs.” Justice Kennedy then chuckled, “We should turn the state into one big kennel. That would solve the problem right there.” That innocuous exchange should have been the end of it, but of course, it wasn’t.

When the Supreme Court’s ruling was issued today, someone had apparently taken Ginsberg’s and Kennedy’s comments to heart, because at the very end of the majority decision was the final sentence: “It is therefore determined the that the state of Arizona, including all it’s lands public and private, shall be given to “Dog Whisperer”, Cesar Millan, to be used as a kennel.”.

Anthony Kennedy apparently missed the final sentence, which was on the last page and separated from the rest of the decision by a bunch of smiley emoticons (a tradition of his at the end of decisions written by him). So while that part wasn’t actually read out loud, it was entered into the record as law.

Cesar Millan, while shocked, was reported to be ecstatic, saying, “And I thought my new place outside LA was cool, but man, think of what I can do with 114006 square miles, especially with that great fence on the southern border already in place. Now all’s I have to do is get all the people who don’t own dogs outta there and we’re set.”

Former Governor Jan Brewer and the Arizona legislators who signed HB 2780,the bill to exempt ranch dogs from cruelty laws, have reportedly gone into hiding, as Mr. Milllan has vowed to run them off his land at the first opportunity, along with anyone who supported the bill.

Still, the whole thing, which undoubtedly started out as a joke, does present some interesting legal ramifications, to wit: once the highest court in the land makes a determination, can it be overturned, even by them? Can they just say, “Boy, that was pretty stupid, we take it back”? If so, while it’s too late for Bush v Gore, then there’s still hope for Citizens United. And secondly, would the rest of the country want them to? After all, I for one would take Cesar Millan over Jan Brewer any day. And the irony of giving the whole damn state to a Mexican-American is just too delicious.

Of course, turning 114006 square miles of American soil into a vast non-profit organization would present some revenue shortfalls, but Mr. Millan promises to allow animal lovers to stay and keep their homes on a long term lease situation and vows to make them pay all relevent property taxes. As well, the Greenies Company has already proposed installing a massive manufacturing facility for the former State House with offices in the former Governors mansion…both projects are guaranteed to be far more productive than what’s going on on those sites now. Other dog food and pet supply companies are also presenting proposals to Mr. Millan to take over various state government sites.

So, congratulations Mr. Millan and good luck on your new venture. Keep your tail up and your nose to the wind. And if any of your doggie friends happen to bite Ms.Brewer, don’t worry- she should never have been there in the first place and apparently, no court in the land would convict you.