WASHINGTON, D.C. — Confidential memos leaked to Unconfirmed Sources reveal that the White House Crisis Management Team has devised a plan to resolve the Iranian arms dispute. The plan – coded as “Super Ultra Top-Secret” – details a way to “undo” the previous Iran-Contra scandal in an effort to avert war with Iran, secure Iranian disarmament, and curtail nuclear proliferation in the Middle East.
Instead of attacking Iran, the plan calls for the creation of a para-military force, led by Oliver North, to invade Nicaragua and seize all proceeds derived from arms sales to Iran that were channeled to the Central American country during the 1980s. The funds will then be sent back to Iran in exchange for Iran’s nuclear arsenal, which was purchased from the Reagan-Bush administration in the Iran-Contragate deal. Fifty-percent of the funds will be deposited into the bank accounts of President Bush, Vice-President Cheney, and other administration officials as part of the “recovery fee.”
One of the more controversial proposals in the secret White House plan calls for sending the former American hostages who were released in exchange for weapons back to Iran as part of the package to get the weapons back from Iran. The plan stresses an importance in ensuring that former hostage Terry Anderson, who ran for Congress as a Democrat in 2003, is one of the first people sent back into captivity.
After consulting with a PR firm, the Bush administration has decided against ordering all of the former hostages back to Iran before testing public reaction with just Terry Anderson. Later this week, the Bush administration is expected to order Terry Anderson to surrender to federal authorities no later than 0900 on April 26, so that he can be traded back to Iran in exchange for the weapons that the first President Bush sent to Iran in the first place. If public approval ratings do not deteriorate too sharply after the exchange, as some inside observers predict, the rest of the former hostages will also be ordered back to Iran in exchange for more weapons.
Nukes-N-Things – a firm owned by prominent neo-conservatives Michael Ledeen and John Poindexter, who both helped transfer the nuclear weapons to Iran back in the 1980s – will receive a multi-billion dollar contract to inventory the stockpile for the purpose of achieving “a full accountability and compliance.” According to analysts, that move makes sense from a logistical point-of-view, since Mr. Ledeen and Mr. Poindexter would know exactly what Iran has in its arsenal.
When asked about the secret memos, White House spokesperson Scott McLellan refused to verify the authenticity of them, but answered, “All options are on the table.”
“Suppose these allegations are true, it would just show the President’s commitment to cleaning up corruption in Washington. This would make it like Iran-Contra never even happened,” said Republican Party strategist Emma Faye Kerr. “This is a masterstroke on the part of the President if these plans are true. Iran-Contra would have to be edited out of history books, and the President would be seen as a peacemaker for averting war with Iran.”
Terry Anderson was reached for comment, when he expressed outrage that he could become a hostage all over again, but also expressed some relief that he would be going to Iran instead of to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
“After going through the hell that I went through for all of those years, only to be returned back there – this is certainly disappointing news. However, I am thankful that I won’t be sent to one of the harsher U.S. government torture chambers, like Camp X-Ray at Gitmo, Cuba,” said Terry Anderson.