Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld responds to Pentagon video of him streaking

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has issued a statement through his attorney, Ike N. Steele, of the law firm Ike N. Steele, Tayer R. Rist, and Associates. In the statement, Secretary Rumsfeld responded to the Streakgate scandal by arguing his innocence.

“If ever I streaked naked across the Pentagon lawn it was never my intention. My former Deputy Secretary of Defense, Paul Wolfowitz, made me do a lot of crazy things. I am not responsible for any of my actions and never have been. The war, the streaking, everything is all Paul Wolfowitz’s fault,” read the statement released early this morning by Ike N. Steele.

White House Press Secretary Tony Snow issued a statement about Streakgate, saying that the Bush administration has no statement about Streakgate.

“The statement I would like to make about Streakgate is that the administration has no statement to make, since the matter is subject to an onging investigation,” said Press Secretary Snow.

Speculation by bloggers that the embattled Secretary Rumsfeld will seek medical treatment for his streaking addiction hasn’t been confirmed, although sources close to Rumsfeld have hinted that this may be a way for him to insulate himself from punitive action. There have also been theories that Secretary Rumsfeld had his clothes stolen by a hooker at the Watergate Hotel during a poker party with Porter Goss and others, which would explain his nakedness.

“It is common knowledge at the Pentagon that Secretary Rumsfeld has a streaking addiction. The only reason why he hasn’t gotten into trouble is because of the position he holds,” said a Pentagon source, speaking on condition of anonymity. The Pentagon source added, “That Paul Wolfowitz certainly did play a huge role in corrupting Rumsfeld. Wolfowitz is totally unstable.”

As of right now, the legal department of Unconfirmed Sources is working on another lawsuit to obtain the rest of the video footage of Secretary Rumsfeld streaking across the Pentagon lawn. The video footage that we did obtain after a lengthy legal battle can be viewed below.