Shield plan: Let's Return to the Cold War!

HEILIGENDAMM, Germany — US President George W. Bush antagonized still another nation, Russia, over a planned missile defense system at a meeting Thursday with his Russian counterpart Vladimir Putin.

The meeting was tense and unproductive. As the two met, Bush in cowboy mode, gave Putin a hearty slap on the back. Putin, who holds a black belt in karate, immediately flipped Bush over his shoulder and onto the floor. Aides from both sides quickly restored order before things could escalate further, and their one -on -one meeting took place.

Bush spread his prepared speech on his lap, ” Vladie, You must realize that as leader of the free world, I can do as I please. The Dems in my congress have been beaten into submission, and now go along with everything I demand, and I am surprised that you object to my surrounding your pathetic country with troops, radar, anti-missile things, putting spy satellites up in your stratosphere, and other innocent actions. We do this to protect you and our European allies from a dangerous threat from Iran and Syria, whom we predict may have nuclear equipped rockets capable of reaching targets here within the next seventy five years.”

The President continued reading from his script; ” Just because we are attempting to conquer every oil-producing nation worldwide, we are not after your Russia, Vladie. You are reasonably safe. We feel that after we knock off Venezuela, Iraq, Canada, Norway, Mexico, Kawait and Oman, our oil demand will be fulfilled without grabbing yours. Go home and assure your borscht-eaters that they can drink their vodka in peace.”

The President, with his trade mark smirk looked around, as the White House cheering section which accompanied the President to Germany, rose on cue; cheering, clapping, and applauding.

Vladimir Putin stepped up. He reached into his pocket and placed a red metal box upon the podium. A military aide handed him a key, which he held up for all to see. “Mr. Bush, if I insert this key into the box and turn it, fifteen minutes later, Los Angeles disappears off the map. Before that however, our anti-anti missile launch will destroy your anti-missiles. I would suggest that you and that nut-case you have for a vice president go deep into your secret underground bunkers and think this whole thing over.” Putin returned the key to his aide, and the entire Russian contingent stalked from the meeting.

A distraught Bush shuffled through his prepared speech papers and finding that his writers had not provided anything for him to read in face of Putin’s unexpected comments, went into his ‘ad lib’ mode. “Uh, um, hmm, duh, ah, What’s this? Ah,good! My global warming speech. Fellow leaders, ladies and gentlemen……”

Back in Washington, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, US Marine Gen. Peter Pace, watching the G8 meeting on closed circuit TV, pressed two red buttons on his desk console and twelve nuclear intercontinental ballistic missiles in underground bunkers in Idaho, Kansas, Alabama and Maine slowly came to life.