Sixth Person, Rumsfeld, Charged with Rape and Murder of Iraq

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Washington,DC (APE) – Close on the heels of the arrest of ex soldier Stephen D. Green last week in North Carolina, the Pentagon braced itself for the possibility of higher profile arrests. Late last night, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was clandestinely rendered by covert United Nations security personnel. UN sources stated that plans are for his extradition at the request of the fledgling government of Iraq to an undisclosed location, where he will be charged and tried for the overall rape and murder of Iraq.

The Bush administration refused comment on the breaking story, except to express outrage over what they termed a “political abduction”.

The administration clearly appeared to have been blindsided by the arrest, as the president and a few key Cabinet members and advisers were attending a Washington Nationals baseball game last night. The group, comprised of the president, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, and White House adviser Josh Bolton were maintaining a low-key attendance, until they were apparently informed of Rumsfeld’s abduction. President Bush then appeared to choke on a nacho, but an alert secret serviceman quickly applied the Heimlich maneuver. The entire group left hurriedly moments later.

Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki was quoted as being very pleased that the United Nations had responded so quickly to his calls for an independent investigation. Earlier in the week, the fledgling government had reluctantly agreed to cooperate with US investigators, and plans were being made to exhume the remains of the 15 year-old girl that ex Pfc. Steven D. Green is accused of raping and murdering. Al-Maliki today stated that the new Iraqi government was pledging total cooperation with the United Nations investigation, and in defiance of Sharia Law, they were prepared to exhume the remains of over 250,000 Iraqis, if need be, to bolster the case against Rumsfeld.

In what might be termed a stunning combination blow to the administration, US Ambassador to the United Nations John Bolton was rushed to the hospital late last night from the floor of the United Nations. Witnesses stated that he had just begun an angry diatribe against the United Nations over the abduction of Rumsfeld when he suddenly became silent and collapsed. Many speculated that he appeared to have ruptured an aneurysm in mid-rant. The White House is refusing comment this morning on the condition of Bolton, saying only that his level of stability remains unchanged.