Soylent Green BioFuel Co. wins Arlington National Cemetery maintenance contract

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Department of Veterans’ Affairs has awarded a 2-year, $33 billion contract to Soylent Green BioFuel Co. to turn the bodies of deceased U.S. war veterans into fuel. Many politicians, pundits, and policy analysts are calling this a “bold move” that will nurture energy independence, lower fuel prices, and clean up Arlington National Cemetery all at the same time.

Soylent Green BioFuel Co., a subsidiary of Halliburton, was awarded its first big contract by the Department of Defense to “process” the bodies of deceased service members in both Iraq and Afghanistan. Some observers have expressed outrage that a company surrounded by such controversy could be awarded these kinds of contracts.

Robin Graves, who is the CEO of Soylent Green BioFuel Co., said that family members of U.S. service members killed in action should feel good knowing that their loved ones will continue to do good, by providing the world with low-cost fuel.

“I am not lying about this. We receive support every day from family members of deceased U.S. service members, who thank us for allowing their loved ones to be part of a great cause even in death,” said CEO Robin Graves.

FOX News commentator Neil Cavuto said that this contract could be a windfall for Soylent Green investors, since Soylent Green will no longer have to incur overhead to acquire resoures, but will actually be paid by taxpayers for taking the bodies of U.S. service members. Cavuto also said this “could turn the war for oil into a resounding success.”

President George W. Bush spoke about the need for unity behind a national energy plan such as the one that Soylent Green BioFuel is spearheading. The President also said that becoming fuel is yet another reason for young people to answer their country’s patriotic call to duty, by enlisting in the military.

“Rather than having to spend money to ship the bodies of those killed in action home to be buried, Soylent Green BioFuel will be making productive use of their corpses, helping to lower gas prices for all Americans. This will be great for the economy and our country will save money with the good work that Soylent Green is doing,” said President Bush.