New York (APE) – New York Governor Elliot Spitzer today apologized to both his family and the people of New York state for what he described as not living up to both his and their standards. It had been earlier leaked that the governor had been linked to an ongoing prosecution investigation via a federal wiretap. FBI sources stated that the governor would not be charged in his documented Valentine’s Day encounters with a prostitute dubbed “Kristin” for which Spitzer reportedly paid over $4300.
Sources close to the governor stated that he would not likely be stepping down over the incident, but would attempt to learn from his mistake and direct it towards the overall betterment of his constituency. Spitzer would instead be trying to reclaim his reputation as a dogged and tireless prosecutor and advocate for the people of New York.
“The governor will be immediately announcing an investigation as a result of the recent AP report over water quality, which singled out the city of New York as one of the worst offenders,” stated a spokesman for Spitzer.
“Overall, the concentrations of many drugs, particularly antibiotics and antiviral medications were actually quite low in the city’s water,” stated the governor’s spokesperson. “With a little creativity and ingenuity as well as some firm legislative backing, the governor feels that the state of New York should be able to gradually increase these levels to the point where the public should receive substantial benefit and coverage against major sexually transmitted diseases, including gonorrhea, syphilis, herpes, and possibly even HIV. Given time, the practice of sex, both legitimate and illicit should become much safer for all the citizens of New York.”