Unconfirmed sources report that Sponge Bob has beaten the pants off Interim Prime Minister Iyad Allawi. Early returns throughout Iraq are showing Sponge Bob Square Pants and Patrick well ahead of both “The Iraqis” and “The United Iraqi Alliance” lists. Shares of Viacom Entertainment rocketed skyward as the Nickelodeon star’s poll numbers came in. Pollsters and political analysts are shocked that a gay loving foreign-born Sponge will take control of the government of Iraq.
Middle east expert Juan Cole said he was not surprised at the result. “If the world’s most powerful nation can elect an ignorant illiterate wanna-be cowboy then why can’t the Iraqi people be led by a yellow sponge with square pants?” Dr. Cole went on to say, “Sponge Bob has an excellent chance to unite the nation of Iraq. With his universal appeal and the diplomatic strength of Patrick, I think they can succeed where the Bush team and Iyad Allawi have failed.”
Sponge Bob Square Pants speaking from Krusty Krab’s Western Baghdad location was confident, but had not yet declared victory. “I would like to thank all of the Iraqi people for helping a poor damp sponge make his dreams come true. With the help of Patrick, Squidward and Sandy Cheeks I plan to unite Iraq and eject the vicious hordes of American occupiers! I mean liberators.”
According to Juan Cole, The Bush administration’s hand picked and financed candidate, Iyad Allaw, just could not capture the will of the Iraqi people. A Baghdad taxi driver put it this way. “I voted for Sponge Bob because I would rather be ruled by a gay cartoon character than a puppet of George W. Bush!”
The Bush administration is not pleased with the result. Sources close to the President say he is considering an executive order declaring Sponge Bob Square pants and Patrick enemy combatants and traitors. Condoleeza Rice showing her softer side commented, “We didn’t blow 240 Billion dollars of American’s hard earned money to elect a F–king Sponge!