Unconfirmed sources report that UNICEF is launching a new “Save the Humvee” campaign for Humvees in Iraq. The new program will allow regular working class Americans to support their troops by sponsoring a Humvee. “The situation is desperate.” Said UNICEF spokesmen Les Hopeful. “Humvees are being destroyed every day, we need your help.”
Television ads for the new program will be airing across the nation in the coming days. UNICEF officials are modeling the program after the wildly successful “Save the Children” campaign that they have been running for years. Unconfirmed Sources was able to preview the ad before it’s nation wide release:
“For Just $41,850 a month you can sponsor a needy Humvee.” Says UNICEF TV spokesperson Les Hopeful as he stands before a broken down Humvee. “U.S. Military Humvees are in desperate need. They need armor, they need gas, they need to have bullet holes fixed, and they need your love and support. Think about it, for just $41,850 a month, that’s only $1395 day, you can give a Humvee what it needs to survive. Call the number on your screen to receive your “Save the Humvee” packet. Inside the packet you will find the profile of a Humvee that needs your help. If you decided to sponsor the Humvee you will get monthly letters from the solders that ride in your Humvee and regular updates from your Humvee’s mechanic. Through these monthly letters you will get to know and love your Humvee and you will soon realize the difference you are making. So please, call today and we will rush you your “Save the Humvee” packet. And remember for less that the cost of a La Pavoni Europiccola 8-Cup Lever Style Espresso Machine EPBB-8 per month, you can save a Humvee. Operators are standing by. And thanks.”
“This is just they type of thing that will get Americans behind the war effort.” Said Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense. “People want to know that they are making a difference. Letting the family and friends of solders help supply needed materials for the war will help build a bond between regular folks and the regular army. I’m proud that we as Americans are standing behind our troops and giving them everything they need to fight this useless war half way around the world for a people who want to kills us anyway. I’m just so proud.”
One lucky soldier who’s Humvee has been sponsored spoke to Unconfirmed Sources and told us what a difference $1395 a day can make. “Things where getting pretty bad for us. We were always scrounging around for things to armor our Humvee. We tried everything, hay, twigs, bricks, you name it, we even tried to use a crate of stale Stay Puff Marshmallows, they were pretty hard. But now those days are over, now that we have a sponsor. Just yesterday we where able to send some of the money home to a buddy of mine with a machine shop, he’s gonna make us some armor out of real steel and ship it to us. I just can’t wait to get it. And then, when we get some more money, we will get some armor for the other side too.”
UNICEF is rolling out the campaign in next few days and would like to have all of the Humvees in Iraq sponsored in three months.