The first test by the Pentagon in nearly two years of the controversial ‘Stars Wars’ Missile Defense System failed when the interceptor missile shut itself down without ever leaving the silo. The failed test capped off a week of delays caused by everything from bad weather to a dead battery which left technicians scrambling to find jumper cables as a test attack missile was racing towards Billings, Montana. The missile in that test landed on the home of Festus P. Hyman, who luckily was away from home at the time eating lunch at Lu Lu’s Lox of Bagels in greater metropolitan Billings. However Mr. Hymen’s wife Edna was not as lucky; she is currently being treated for shock and awe at Billings General Hospital.
Richard Lehner, a spokesman for the Pentagon’s Department of Pipe Dreams described the failure as due to an “unknown anomaly” which is Army Speak for ‘fuck up’.
Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, ” Contrary to reports, our Missile Defense System is performing completely up to the Administrations expectations. Of course, with George Bush as President we really don’t expect much; that way we’re not disappointed. Look at it this way…we’re completely protected as long as the enemy doesn’t attack us on a rainy day and their missiles fly slow enough and low enough for us to hit them by throwing rocks at them.”
North Korea, the main country that the Bush Administration is concerned about attacking the continental United States in spite of the fact that they must be aware that George W. Bush is prepared to pulverize the entire Southeast Asian Peninsula in order to save it from the threat of an attack by an underfed North Korean Army, has pledged to not launch any attack against the U.S. saying it would be just too easy.
President Bush responded to the failure by awarding every one concerned with test the Medal of Freedom, which is his typical reward for failure. Other recent honoree’s include J. Paul Bremmer, George Tenet and Tommy Franks, authors of the Administrations wildly successful Iraq policy.