State of the Union Address- Fistfights Break Out Over Seating Arrangements

(From Washington DC)

United States legislators had just begun filing into the Capitol Building for United States President Barack Obama’s State of the Union Address with several Congressmen and Senators from both parties vowing to keep their pledge to sit intermingled rather than in the traditional separate sides of the chamber. But instead of fostering a spirit of bi-partisanship, trouble occurred. Fights broke out between the elected officials. Apparently, the main thrust of the disturbance appeared to be who would be forced to sit with Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman.

Unnamed White House Spokesman Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said, “It was wild there for a bit, but everybody was cool at first. Lamar Alexander sort of paired up with Mike Bennet, Maria Cantwell sat with Barbara Boxer and Scott Brown, Orrin Hatch plumped down next to Jeanne Shaheen…I think Orrin was feeling lonely and he’s always had a kind of a thing for her… anyway, it was going okay, ya know? But then Joe Lieberman walked in and tried to sit next to Al Franken. That’s when the shit started.”

Continuing to speak on the condition that he gets Kirsten Gillibrand’s home phone number cause he’s got kind of a thing for her, Waterhouse continued, “Well, Joe sat down next to Franken, who suddenly developed a pressing need to use the men’s room and left, so Lieberman then scooched over to Olympia Snowe, who tried to tell him she was holding the seat for Debbie Stabenow. Then he went over to where Jeff Sessions and Mark Udall were and they just flat out told him to piss off. The next thing you know, everybody started arguing about who had to sit with him. Then the real fight broke out.”

“John McCain suggested that Lieberman just sorta stand in the back till the last seat was open, sorta like musical chairs, and Joe got mad and dope- slapped him. Carl Levin started yelling that you can’t hit a senile old man and kicked Lieberman in the shins. Lieberman started hopping up and down, holding his shin and inadvertently jumped on Mike Lee’s foot, who pushed him into Kay Bailey Hutchinson’s back. She fell into Tom Harkin, who reflexively elbowed her in the jaw and next thing you know everybody was climbing over seats, swinging purses and I-pad cases, kicking and punching wildly. John Boehner started crying of course, but it was pretty funny in a way.”

“Finally, speaking on the condition that he gets the first download to YouTube, Waterhouse finished, “Luckily John Boozman was packing heat and a few rounds into the ceiling calmed everyone down. By the time it was over all the Republicans were on one side, the Democrats on the other and Joe Lieberman had been escorted out by the Sergeant at Arms to watch the address on a laptop in a utility closet in the basement. I’ll tell ya though, it was one of best State of the Union events I’ve ever been to.”