US Department of the Interior Secretary Ken Salazar announced today that the aging, money-losing Statue of Liberty would be demolished to be replaced by a giant shopping mall.
“The statue loses money every year and it has lost its historical significance”, Salazar said in a prepared statement. “We no longer have liberty in this country and the statue has become a symbol of false hopes to millions of people wishing to immigrate here!”
Salazar pointed out that the sonnet written on the statue portrays an America that no longer exists and indirectly invites terrorists to the country. The sonnet reads:
“Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses, yearning to breath free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore,
Send these, the homeless, tempest tossed,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door”.
“We don’t want tired, poor, wretched refuse homeless people coming here anymore”, Salazar continued. “We want wealthy, happy, healthy people who are willing to come here and spend cash! We want investors. We have enough scum!”
Salazar claims that replacing the statue with a high end shopping mall will , create jobs, stimulate the economy and promote tourism from all over the world.
“That statue loses over $100,000 per year”, Salazar claimed. “Ellis Island has not drawn a profit since before the American Revolution. We are going to turn that all around!”
Simon Property Group has been retained to design the new mall. “We will have a 1/10 size replica of the old statue on the top of the mall”, said Simon spokesperson Blythe Garrett. “And the mall will sell high end fashions from retailers such as Ann Taylor, Brioni’s, Lands End and Macy’s. Not to mention top end electronics from distinguished retailers such as Apple, Best Buy and Radio Shack”.
Garrett claims the new mall, tentatively named the Statue of Liberty Mall, will reflect the new America, not the old America.