Gay Marriage Fight Switches to 10 Commandments
Houston – After a series of tense meetings, major Christian groups involved in a long fight to save heterosexual marriage from gays have decided to change tactics and begin a national campaign to tear down the Statue of Liberty and replace it with a 160-story replica of the 10 Commandments. Lead by Family Research Council president Tony Pipsqueak, the newly formed conglomerate Strategic Initiative for Christian Kulture, SICK, agreed that recent nationwide contempt for France, which gave the Statue of Liberty to the U.S., would elicit greater contributions than the ongoing campaign to prevent “a few perverts from fulfilling their sick desire to become part of polite society.”
“Let’s face it,” said Pipsqueak. “We had to dig pretty deep to find a justification in the Bible to ruin other people’s lives and squeeze cash out of a contributor base of mostly unemployed losers. About the only thing our supporters have to give is their labor and we can only take that to the bank if we sell their votes to the GOP.”
Promising to pursue the new project aggressively, SICK already has several co-sponsors, including Caterpillar, which will lease back bulldozers from Israel to demolish the Statue of Liberty; Wal-Mart, which will sell the scrap metal to China for lawn chairs; the New York Mafia, which will provide concrete; and The Carlyle Group, a secretive military-industrial group that promises to ring Liberty Island with missiles to protect the site from immigrant “riff-raff.”
Pipsqueak says over 4,685 conservative religious groups with a total membership of 4,685 decided to disband their Marriage Amendment Project when recent polls showed that only one-tenth of one percent of gays want to get married.
“Frankly many of them see marriage as dead-end boredom troubled with alcoholism, unfaithfulness and divorce,” said Pipsqueak. “I’m not so sure we shouldn’t make them get married and suffer along with the rest of us.”
The decision was not unanimous. Patrick Malarkey, of the Christian Homophobia Coalition, organized protests at the meeting in Houston against the abandonment of what he described as a lifelong dream. Malarkey described repeated confessions of close friends and family members who came to him declaring their love for men and asking his help in fulfilling their innermost desires. Such experiences, Malarkey insisted, prove that we need to put homosexuality back in the closet.
“The Bible is clear on marriage,” said Malarkey. “The Hebrew words for male and female are actually swear words for male and female genitalia, which can’t be repeated in polite company. Our God never said ‘be gay,’ instead, with these two words, he created wedding vows, prohibited divorce, demanded fidelity and obedience from women, set rules for property to be passed down to the eldest son, ordained the family and demanded that we pass a constitutional amendment protecting white privileges over the whole earth.”
The meeting made its decision after being addressed by Ricky Warden, author of The Profit-driven Life: How To Make a Buck Off Desperate Losers Who Have Little Hope and Even Less Intelligence, the best-selling Christian book in Warden, Arkansas. Warden spoke after a luncheon of chemical-laden lunchmeat, soft air bread, salty chips and 15-gallon bottles of Coke, provided by the local Council of Conservative White Citizens.
“Without the 10 Commandments we cannot teach our kids about coveting their neighbor’s wife,” Warden said. “How on earth do we teach duplicity and hypocrisy, values absolutely needed today, if we don’t teach the basic Commandments? These values are at the very foundation of American life and the human pecking order.”
Dr. Jimmy Dopeson, leader of Focus on the Family and author of Hypocrisy Under Fire: Teaching Our Children Obesity, expects SICK to raise $576 billion from Americans who hate the French for not attacking Iraq in the Crusades in the Middle East. Dopeson, who tells 200 people how to live their lives on his daily radio program, attacked the French “lifestyle” for its wine drinking, sexuality and emphasis on loving rather than working.
“The French gave us the Statue of Liberty but we don’t need it anymore,” said Dopeson. “We need rigidity and sexual repression and a cultural war.”
President Bush agreed to sponsor an amendment that would allow churches to destroy City Halls and replace them with 10 Commandments edifices. In a pre-recorded tape, he called Frenchness a “disease” that could sap America’s will to dominate the world.
“We live in a free society where people do what they are told,” Bush said. “Freedom is great as long and we will tolerante minorities who fillerduster people of faith. It’s inopportune that we do that. We need more moral decrepitude and fornicational devotion.”
Staff Writers Joe Sixpax and Duke Knucklehead contributed to this article.