Hollywood, FL (Rotters) – A tearful right-wing pundit Stephen Colbert stepped forward in Hollywood today to become the fourth man to claim paternity over five month old Dannielyn after the tragic death of mother Anna Nicole Smith yesterday. Colbert joins Smith lawyer Howard K. Stern, photographer Larry Birkhead, and Prince Frederic von Anhalt, the husband of actress Zsa Zsa Gabor as claimants of fatherhood to a five month old now orphaned little girl who may reportedly be worth over 500 million dollars.
Colbert produced photographs of the couple and daughter recently after her birth. He claimed that the relationship was kept secret out of concerns from campaign staffers as to how it would affect his candidacy for the vice presidency in 2008 in conjunction with running mate Jon Stewart.
Fighting back tears, Colbert went on to explain how he became romantically involved with Nicole Smith last year while he was covering her Supreme Court case in Washington as a reporter for the Daily Show. “She was a powerful woman,” Colbert said of Smith, “the flesh was willing and the mind was weak.”
Colbert went on to scoff at the claims of others stating that he was confident that genetic testing would bear his version of events out. When asked if he felt that this new revelation would adversely affect the Stewart/Colbert ’08 campaign or his marriage, Colbert insisted that to the contrary, his actions were reflective of traditional conservative Republican family values and would be an asset to the campaign.
“I’m not in this for the money, folks,” Colbert vowed to reporters. “This lonely abandoned little girl needs a family… a mother, a father, and a little brother. Dannielyn is going to grow up right alongside baby Stephen and they’ll play in the same cage… unless, it turns out she’s allergic to feathers.”
The Hollywood Medical Examiner’s Office stated that it was looking into hiring extra staff to handle blood testing and other paperwork over the next week as it anticipated paternity claims would continue to swell.