Washington, DC (UPSI) – Aides to 2008 presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani today leveled accusations at the fledgling bipartisan Stewart/Colbert campaign in regards to the recent theft and publication of Giuliani’s 140 page 2008 presidential campaign playbook. Initially they had proposed that the document was covertly stolen by airport baggage handlers and photocopied by tricksters for another campaign, but they today produced photographic evidence showing Jon Stewart in possession of the disputed documents at a Giuliani press conference in New York, hours before the former mayor had left for the airport. The playbook in its entirety was subsequently released anonymously to the press, with many feeling that the revelations might ultimately be proven fatal to Giuliani’s run for the presidency.
The Stewart/Colbert ’08 campaign arranged for an exclusive interview for UPSI with the two candidates, in which they vehemently denied culpability.
“We’re standing there for a photo op,” stated presidential hopeful Jon Stewart, “and then Rudy suddenly hands me this bag, and says “Here, hold this while I straighten my tie.”. What am I supposed to do? Here’s the former mayor of New York City asking for a little favor… I guess he just forgot about the bag after a few pictures and some more talking. That sucker was heavy… and I got tired of holding it after a few minutes. I remember thinking, what in the heck does he have in here, a dictionary… or maybe his entire plans for capturing the presidency…? Nah… Stephen was standing there so I just gave it to him and followed Rudy over to the wet bar for another gin and tonic.”
Vice presidential hopeful Stephen Colbert then continued the account: “I’m standing here holding the man of… no… the God of 9/11’s briefcase, and I’m just in awe. Then I looked down, and I see that it’s open. I’m thinking, do I contact Homeland security and risk embarrassing Rudy or just take care of the situation myself. So while I’m trying to close and lock up the briefcase some old papers with a lot of marginal scribbling fall out. They don’t look like anything important and I remember that I need to bring home paper for baby Steven’s cage. So I stuck them in my coat pocket. A few minutes later I’m feeling a little guilty about it so I ducked into a side room at the hotel and just made a few copies to use for baby Stephen, and I put the originals back and tracked down one of Rudy’s aides and gave the case to him. What happened after that, I have no knowledge. If Rudy has been stabbed in the back by some disgruntled campaign worker, I really feel for him. No way would any of baby Steven’s handlers try to parlay any of his cage liners.”
The Giuliani campaign announced that they are exploring all options to resolve the matter, and have not ruled out the possibility of suing Comedy Central and the Stewart/Colbert campaign for the $100 million lump sum that they had hoped to raise this year.
In a related story, rumors have surfaced that New Jersey mega-fundraiser Lew Eisenberg and Larry Bathgate, as well as FedEx CEO Fred Smith, reportedly mentioned in the Giuliani playbook, may be abandoning John McCain and signing on with the bipartisan Stewart/Colbert campaign.