Unconfirmed sources report that the CIA has hired the noted motivational speaker and self-confidence guru Stuart Smalley. Morale at he CIA has hit rock bottom in the wake of damaging reports from the 911 Commission and Smalley is thought to be the only one who can turn the ailing government agency around.
“The men and women of the CIA have a real confidence problem.” Said one intelligence insider. “You can’t have everyone blaming you for the biggest terrorist attack on the country ever and not feel like a schmuck. It’s only natural that these guys are feeling like shit right now.”
“It has the look of rats fleeing a sinking ship when the head man and other senior officials begin to leave an organization so quickly.” Said Deprok Chopra. Referring to the recent departure of Director William Tenant and other senior officials. “But there are still lots of good people in the CIA and a class act like Stuart Smalley is just the kind of guy who can make the CIA great again.
Unconfirmed Sources recently caught up with Smalley at an undisclosed location and spoke with him about the project.
“Yeah… well… this is a big project alright. I mean these guys are feeling pretty low, and can you blame them? They let the biggest terror attack in the world happen while they were chasing shadows in Lower Crapneckistan. They should feel bad. But, you know what? Bad things happen to good people, and to spooky scary people like at the CIA, but they are still people you know.”
“How am I going to help them? Well, It ain’t gonna be easy, I mean they really did screw up, but you know what I am gong to tell them? I’m going to tell them that they are Good Enough! Smart Enough! and Doggone It! People Like Them! And I think that will really go a long way to helping them out.”
Smalley figures that it will take some months of Daily Affirmations to get them back in shape, but he is sure that they will be back in fine spirits soon.