Study Reveals; All Politicians Are Corrupt

An independent five year investigation into political practices has revealed that every politician from the lowly Notary Public to the President of the United States, regardless of political affiliation, is corrupt and willing to sell his or her country in the name of special interests.

Ironically, the investigation was paid for through a $16 million dollar research grant provided by the Department of Labor.

“The study didn’t actually cost $16 million”, said the lead author of the study, UCLA professor Carl Higgins. “But in order to get the grant we had to pay off a lot of politicians. The actual cost for performing the work was about $30,000”.

Higgins admitted that he, his associates and nearly a dozen politicians lined their pockets with some of the research money because “that’s the way it works”.

Higgins study revealed payoffs paid to politicians from insurance companies, law firms, universities, hospitals, government contractors, overseas heads of state and even FBI and CIA officials, among many others, in return for special favors.

“Even some welfare mothers pay off Notary Publics to put their stamp on certain items” Higgins continued.

Higgins thought he had found an honest politician in 2008 but that politician was later embroiled in a sex scandal.

“He was about as honest as they got. If he just didn’t have sex and pay off that gal he’d still be a senator”, Higgins stated.

Higgins stated that among 3,609 politicians surveyed he could not find one that was truly honest.