SUNDAY NEWS ROUNDUP- December 23, 2007

And Then There Were Forty Four…

Confused reports are coming in to this organization that one of the Republican candidates for the presidential nomination has quit. While calls to all the known contender’s campaign representatives have so far brought denials that their candidate was withdrawing, Unconfirmed Sources has received repeated emails that someone named Tancredo…either Tim or Tom, we’re still not sure which…is no longer running.

While our senior news analyst Walid seems to remember a guy named Tim or Tom (he’s still not sure which) standing around off to the side during the Republican debates, he had always assumed the guy was some sort of stage hand there to wipe up candidate’s spittle (in the case of Rudy Guliani) and drool (in the cases of John McCain and Fred Thompson). Still, if these reports are true and someone named Tancredo (either Tim or Tom, we’re still not sure which) does actually exist, his withdrawal will or will not have a serious impact on the first, second, third or fourth tier of GOP candidates. What that may or may not be is as yet undetermined.

Kurds With Turkey And Rice- A Recipe For Disaster?…

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice jetted off to Baghdad this week to reiterate her support for Turkey’s air attacks on Kurdish separatist factions in the north of Iraq. Saying that all three sides share “common ground”, Dr. Rice vowed to protect Iraqi sovereignty by allowing Turkish forces to bomb Iraq and conduct cross border incursions into the Kurdish held north.

Speaking to reporters in the Green Zone, Dr. Rice said, “No one should do anything that threatens to destabilize the north, except us, of course, and we’ve come to realize we finally have a golden opportunity…in the last year of the Bush tenure we can pretty much do whatever we want without fear of any long term retribution. In addition, we in the Administration have pooled our resources and built a real nice bomb shelter on the Crawford ranch and plan to wait out the destruction of the planet that will result from the President’s policies and George, Laura, myself and the twins, along with Dana Perino, will re-populate the planet.”

Dueling Diplomats…

At a campaign stop in Washington, Iowa (is that right? Washington?) Democratic presidential contender Barak Obama pointed out that he had more foreign policy experts advising his campaign than Hillary Clinton does. A quick count proved this assertion to be correct, as long as the list of 80 plus advisors that the Clinton camp released is somehow less than the 48 names that the Obama has listed.

In response to the apparent discrepancy, Obama campaign spokesman Bill Burton then said that it wasn’t 48 advisors, it was 73…no, it more than 150…no, it was a gazillion! Beat that, Hillary. Still, can you imagine, in a time of fast paced crisis, sifting through the opinions of 150 advisors? Personally, I’d just like one or two guys who knew what the hell they were talking about.