(Washington) In a 5-4 ruling, the U.S. Supreme Court issued a final, authoritarian definition of the Second Amendment, declaring that it protects and ensures the rights of U.S. citizens to own any weapon for home defense and laying aside any attempt to ban them at any governmental level.
In a festive writing for the majority, Justice Antonin Scalia declared, “The Second Amendment references the right of the people to keep and bear arms. Restrictions and definitions of those arms are neither stated nor implied. While freedom-loving innovations such as chain guns and tactical nuclear warheads did not exist at the writing of the Constitution, we are fortunate that our Founding Fathers had the sagacity to realize the limitless possibilities that lay ahead and not limit their writings to just guns.”
When asked if the First Amendment’s guarantee of the right to Free Speech might be similarly broadened to allow an unregulated entertainment industry and indeed countermand the FCC in its entirety, Scalia giggled, noted that the narrow rocket-propelled-grenade (RPG) boar season was beginning, hoisted his frock and scurried from the courtroom.
The NRA was quick to laud the ruling, although it was left with the decision on whether or not to change its storied name. “We will always hold guns in a special place in our heart, as they got us where we are today,” intoned Kayne Robinson, president of the organization. “However, now that citizens are rightfully allowed to own everything from Bouncing Betties to flamethrowers to nuclear warheads