Supreme Court Declares First Amendment Unconstitutional

The United States Supreme Court unanimously agreed today that the First Amendment to the US Constitution is unconstitutional and will be removed from the list of amendments.

The amendment formerly read: “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances”.

“The amendment has become meaningless”, said Chief Justice John Roberts in issuing the majority opinion. “People are practicing religions that call for the slaughter of animals or the practice of Scientology. News reporters are reporting all kinds of things without revealing their sources. Satire writers write fiction and people believe them. Drunken women are dancing naked on counter tops claiming it’s ‘free speech’. These days when people ‘peaceably assemble’ you can rest assured there’s pot smoking going on. And the legislature is overwhelmed by people trying to redress grievances to the point that they are generally ignored. The amendment no longer retains the meaning or spirit in which is was written by our founding fathers”.

Roberts stated that from now on the original Bill of Rights will have only 9 amendments and even some of those may be declared unconstitutional in the near future.

“The Constitution was written to protect the rights of individuals, not to give them the right to do any damn thing they please”, Roberts continued. “The only way to protect people’s rights is to take some of those rights away”.

Roberts stated that the Court will soon issue an opinion on the constitutionality of the 8th Amendment which reads: “Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.”

“We give people bail in the millions who don’t have a pot to piss in and we have the death penalty or we put people in prison where they get boned up the ass for 50 years”, Roberts confirmed. “This amendment has also been shot to hell”.