Supreme Court Nominee Elena Kagen Admits to Masturbating


Under intense questioning, Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagen admitted today that she masturbates at least three times per week.

“I do admit that I enjoy masturbating”, Kagen told the Senate Judiciary Committee this afternoon. “But I will not allow my personal habits to influence my decisions on the bench!”

Several Republican lawmakers expressed reservations about having Kagen serve on the highest court after this revelation was made.

“We don’t need female masturbaters on the Supreme Court!”, declared Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. “Her constant state of arousal would cause endless disruptions and biased decisions!”

McConnell pointed out that the justices have to make ruling on pornography and other types of sexually suggestive content. He stated that if Kagen enjoys pornography and sexually suggestive materials then she would not be able to render logical decisions about such matters.

Senator Orrin Hatch, a key Republican on judicial issues, also said he would oppose Kagen. “We don’t need some horny wench sitting there with lust in her eyes!” the senator screamed.

Democrats and many other argued that Kagan’s personal habits would most likely be confined to after hours and behind closed doors and would have no bearing on her abilities to preside as Supreme Court Justice.

Speaking in Kagen’s favor, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas admitted he’s “wanked it a few times” himself.