New York, NY (Rotters) – Days after it was sent scurrying from a nationally viewed video showing a rat infestation at a Greenwich Village franchise of a KFC-Taco Bell restaurant, Yum Brands the corporate owner of Taco Bell stated that it would be taking an aggressive tack in the worldwide media in order to stave off a possibility of slumping sales which resulted from a similar incident with an E. coli scare last year. Taco Bell will be resurrecting an offshoot of one of its most successful marketing campaigns, the Taco Bell Chihuahua, in effort to both reassure and entertain its customers.
In the new campaign slated for both television commercials and print, “Gidget” the talking Chihuahua, who was fired after many complaints from Hispanic Americans, will be replaced by a sphinx purebred cat, and a newly recycled catchphrase, “Yo Quiero Ratoncitos!”
A corporate spokesperson stated that advance screenings of the new hairless mouser/mascot have been overwhelmingly positive. “This little guy is off the scale on the cuteness index,” stated the Yum Brands spokesperson, “and people really love the idea of a tireless and dedicated Sentinel, always on guard to make sure that they get the finest quality product. At this point in time we’re expecting very little in the way of offense being taken over the use of the sphinx cat. We have very little in the way of market inroads into Egypt and the Middle East, and a remote risk of offending Muslims is one that we’re willing to take. We’re expecting at a minimum $50 million in profit from the initial rollout of commemorative toys and collectibles alone. This is the ultimate lemonade out of lemons solution, and we’re frankly very excited.”
In a related story, Yum Brands also announced that it was hedging its bets just in case the new “Yo Quiero Ratoncitos!” campaign is unsuccessful. The corporate headquarters announced that it would be entering into a three party deal with Disney Inc. and the Walter Reed Army Hospital. The three will launch a campaign which will make Taco Bell-KFC the official food distributor for the Army Hospital campus with Mickey Mouse visiting recuperating soldiers and their families as a goodwill ambassador to defuse the scandal of the recently exposed rat infestation of living quarters on the campus.
The army appeared to be desperate for a resolution to the growing scandal as it was earlier today revealed that an undisclosed number of recuperating GIs had been inadvertently poisoned with Salmonella laced peanut butter. An anonymous Army spokesperson admitted that the Army had saved a tremendous sum of money through a deal in which it had purchased contaminated lots of Peter Pan and Great Value peanut butter from the food conglomerate ConAgra. The army spokesperson stated that the peanut butter was initially meant to be used to bait traps in infested soldiers’ quarters at the Reed medical center until they found out afterwards that rats had a natural immunity to salmonella. The spokesperson admitted that while the program was immediately discontinued, it had forgotten to caution the GIs against eating the peanut butter themselves which resulted in a large number of illnesses.