Members of the Tea Party Movement have, after almost a year of sometimes fractured and other times factionalized events and protests finally come together and issued their first cohesive list of core values. The announcement was made at a TP (I just now realized about those initials) conference held in Chillicothe, Ohio earlier this week. The document is called “Our First Cohesive List Of Core Values…Until We Can All Agree On A Better Name, That Is.”
Unfortunately, in it’s eagerness to acknowledge the concerns and convictions of everyone who is not actually a member of the Tea Party (because the Tea Party is not a Party but a Movement, and therefore has no members, as it’s members keep insisting), the document is 42,896 pages long and consists of 67,756 individual complaints and concerns ranging from anger and distrust of the Federal Government to questioning whether United States President Barack Obama was actually born a Black man in America or is he just a kinda White guy from Kenya, or Fiji, or some other damned foreign place and finally ending with the special concern of one of the delegates to the conference, Festus P. Hyman, that being, “Why is there never a decent goddamned parking space outside the Arby’s in Billings, Montana?”.
As a political thesis, it is brilliant in it’s clarity, monumental in it’s obtuseness and precise in it’s lack of specificity. It is also virtually unreadable. Still, there are some universal concerns that all nonmembers of the Movement seem to share. First and foremost among them seems to be, as we keep harping on ad nauseam, whether or not the Tea Party is actually a legitimate political Party or instead a Movement. The question seems to be at the very heart of the Movement, even the bowels (making the TP a bowel movement?). Even the document’s title (which is too much trouble to repeat here- see paragraph one) is perhaps the greatest tribute to the diverse nature of the Movement that’s called the Tea Party.
Unnamed Tea Party Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity, explained, “Members of the Tea Party always insist they’re not members of a “Tea Party”. That’s how you know em. Because, you see, the Tea Party is not a Party, it’s a Movement that just happens to be called a Party because it has the word Party in it’s name, but it’s not. A Party, that is. It’s a Movement…well, maybe it’s a little of both, a Movement and a Party…or a Marty, if you will. Anyway, if you say you’re not a member of the Tea Party, then you are one. By the same token, if you say you are a member, you’re not.”
The two next greatest concerns, while seemingly completely dissimilar, often go hand in hand for most Tea…whatever the hell they are’s. These are the twin demons of abortion and runaway Federal spending. Waterhouse, continuing to speak on the condition that if he inadvertently knocks up a drunk Tea Party chick at a rally somewhere she’s got to keep the kid whether he’s around or not and the government had better not support her with it either said, “You’ve got to understand, we want the government to keep out of everything, and by that I mean everything but abortion rights, of course. It’s time for the Federal Government to get it’s hands out of the wallets of rich bankers and businessmen and back into women’s vaginas where they belong.”
The Manifesto is also somewhat surprising for what it does not contain as well. For instance, there are only 2,300 references to Sarah Palin, mostly referring to how cool it would be to have a hot looking redneck chick for a president. In contrast, it mentions that guy who got booted off CNN and went to Fox I think…oh, what’s his name…Glen Beck! him, 2,301 times, making him the clear spiritual leader of the Part…uh, Move…the Marty.
The Manifesto is available as an app from the i-Tunes store (cost- $16.99, but you also get a free download of the ‘Collected Works of Karl Pilkington’, a $20.00 value, included as well) It may also be found in book form at your local Wal-Mart (minus the Karl Pilkington download) in the Lawn & Garden Department, near the five gallon pails of Ortho Round-up. For more information and a schedule of TP events, speak to your local TP representative; usually it’s your Republican Committee, Council or Congressman. If they tell you they’re not in the Tea Party, don’t worry…just keep calling and calling them or stand outside their homes until they break down and admit it. Then go away because they’re lying to you. Such is the nature of 21st Century politics.