Tearful Boehner Pledges to Adopt Nicole Smith Cause

Washington, DC (UPSI) – A tearful House Minority leader John Boehner (R-OH) yesterday pledged to reporters that he intended to end what he called a “destructive partisan bickering” over the Iraq War by the Democrats and return the business of the house to issues that the majority of Americans find important. He pledged to adopt the cause of Anna Nicole Smith, the controversial recently deceased reality TV star, and bring binding resolutions and legislation to the floor of the house designed to protect the average American from the exploitation the late Smith and her orphaned daughter have endured. “We will refocus and reunite the Republican Party around the family values that Americans have entrusted to our stewardship,” stated Boehner.

“It brings tears to my eyes to consider the repeated genetic testing that her lifeless body has had to endure,” stated Boehner, “to say nothing of watching a poor innocent infant bandied about for a week like a multi-million dollar football. This is not what the culture of life is all about. This is Terri Schiavo all over again, and it’s all because we were blocked by the liberal Democrats from getting it right the first time.”

Boehner stated that the Republican party’s latest poling showed that a vast majority of Americans (80%) were far more concerned over the outcome of Baby Dannilyn than opposition to the Iraq War (63%). “The Republicans have always been the party of the people, and we look forward to getting back to the people’s issues that were important before we were railroaded out of power.” stated Boehner.

Boehner went on to say that he intended to introduce an amendment blocking what he called “further desecration of the body of Anna Nicole Smith,” and “exploitation of baby Dannilyn” into the current up or down vote against the President’s surge in Iraq scheduled for late tonight in the house. “This is not a political ploy,” Boehner insisted, “it is a reaffirmation of what the Republican party stands for, and the American people will be the judge. If the Democrat leadership attempts to block this, they will suffer their own consequences.”