Ten Things

Very rarely do I stare at a blank page on my laptop with no idea of what to write- when it does happen, I usually (as any regular reader can attest) just spurt out some drivel and be done with it. Makes things easier that way. But today I’m torn ( as opposed to ‘ripped’, an old expression)…I want to pound into your heads again about the upcoming election, about how if our President fails it’s because we didn’t stand behind him, but quite frankly, I can’t muster up the energy. I’d like to tell you all a joke, but I suck at jokes and quantum mechanics is right out. So here are some small observations:

1) It’s hard to quit smoking cigarettes. I knew a guy who was a heroin addict for twenty years and finally went straight for the last twelve years of his life ( Hepatitis B from dirty needles finally got him). Still, the point is, he could never quit smoking…no liquor, no other dope, no driving foreign sports cars…he stopped doing all of the bad and stupid things in this life, but cigarettes stayed with him till the end. He said it was the hardest thing in the world to do.

I’ve been trying to quit myself- I’ve lost more than 25 pounds this years so I figured that putting the fifteen they say you put on when you quit would leave me with a net five pound loss. But then it hit me- why would I want to do the hardest thing in the world and gain fifteen pounds to boot? Fuck it.

2) Nobody likes a winner. Just look at Nixon, Bush, Obama and Clinton and nearly every other politician we’ve ever voted into office. Winners imply losers and losers bitch mightily. Now, look at Sarah Palin, Juan Williams, Vanessa Williams and Al Gore. They all lost and are doing great, making millions and adored by people everywhere…just different ones.

3) It’s possible to live without money, but it’s easier to do it if you’re rich.

4) People should only contractually marry for five years at a time. Only the proceeds made during the term of the contract, like any business, would be split upon the dissolution of the contract. It should have the appropriate clauses regarding children, but after five years, you should have to renew the contract by mutual consent. I’m telling you, if people thought their spouse could just walk away after five years they might be a whole lot nicer to them while they’re around.

5) Too many people are watching me: I’m living in a small town and yesterday I counted fifteen cameras watching me…the drugstore, the ATM, the gas station, 2 supermarkets, Staples, two traffic lights, passing by a jewelry store, some yutz with a cell phone that I got in the way of and the really creepy guy who lives up the street and just…well, tapes people. Wait, that’s only eleven. So assume four others I didn’t see and that makes fifteen. There. Now I don’t have to go back and change anything.

5) I hate Facebook, but it has brought me back into contact with Cathy, Laura, Dave, Steve, Denise, Brian, Johnny and a host of people I haven’t seen or heard from in twenty plus years. That’s nice. But by all accounts, Zuckerberg is still a prick.

6) For some reason, I like the number 6.

7) My country’s going insane and I can’t stop it…I don’t think anyone can.

8) Quite surprisingly, my German Shepherd chased off a pack of coyotes not too long ago. They were out in our field and when my wife opened the door she charged and they ran. They haven’t come back, but now my dog howls back at them when they call in the distance. She’s never howled before. It’s a bit unnerving.

9) It’s hard to be funny at funny at 3:30, either AM or PM., so don’t stay late at comedy clubs or go to matinees.

10) Shit…I got nothing for number ten.