Teri Schaivo, Torture, And Dead Guys…Unconfirmed Sources News Briefs: Friday, March 11, 2005

Great News! No One Is Responsible For US Torture!:

The Pentagon has released the results of its investigation of itself regarding allegations of the use of torture in Abu Grab prison in Iraq and the Guantanamo Bay military base in Cuba. Vice Admiral Albert Church, the reports lead author has found that absolutely no one, none, nada, had anything to do with the incidents of torture, even though several soldiers have been imprisoned or discharged from the military for the abuses. This is great news for Americans who once thought that our Commander in Chief or Secreatry of Dense… uh, Defense or even our new Attorney General would be capable of anything but the purest actions in a time of war. This reporter for one has now changed his attitude and wholeheartedly supports President Bush in his quest for world domination, purely for peaceful purposes, of course.

Hey Mister, How Much For The Girl?:

Rancho Santa Fe businessman Robert Herring has offered Michael Schiavo one million dollars if he’ll sell his wife Terri, correctly assuming that anyone who’s fought for years to end his wife’s suffering must be just another money grubbing Heathen slime who’s only ever really been out for the cash. Herring, who has never actually seen Ms. Schiavo but whose extensive medical background has included reading lots and lots of articles in such diverse and august publications as People and The Enquirer as well as watching hours and hours of Fox News coverage, agrees with Ms. Schiavo’s parents that Teri, who has been in a constant vegetative state for fifteen years, is sure to improve with treatment and therapy which she apparently has not been receiving for the past decade and a half.

Can We Have A Show Of Hands, Or Other Body Parts?:

The British Medical Journal has released a report criticizing The United States and Great Britain lack of developing a death toll for Iraqi civilians killed during the invasion and occupation. Research conducted by The Lancet puts the number of innocent civilian deaths in excess of one hundred thousand while the British Foreign Office has documented the death toll at the somewhat lower number of three. Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, ” We in the Administration have actually been very anxious to develop an accurate body count but the big problem has been that all those people look alike, at least the ones who still look like anything human at all, and we’re afraid of double counting.”

The B.I.G. Lie:

The FBI’s inquiry into the murder of Hip Hop star Notorious B.I.G.. Citing a Pentagon investigation into the drive by shooting, the Los Angeles Prosecutors Office has determined that absolutely no one was responsible for the attack, especially the shooters. The investigation is now focusing on the possibility tha B.I.G. committed suicide.