Terror Alert: Ohio Blanketed with Radioactive Fallout

Unconfirmed Sources report the Ohio Office of Homeland Security has dispatched Haz-Mat teams to every town in the state. The teams were responding a massive release of radiation that followed the implosion of the Ohio Republican Party. Apparently the destruction the Ohio GOP caused the fusion of political corruption and evangelical conviction. The result was a toxic plume released into the environment.

According to state security officials the Ohio Republican party suffered a catastrophic structural failure at 2:37AM eastern time, then imploded in upon it’s self. The resulting implosion destroyed 2 city blocks in downtown Columbus and touched off another “event” near the building housing the Ohio Secretary of States office.

There are no reported injuries or deaths but several Republican candidates running for political office have entirely disappeared. Among the missing is Ken Blackwell, Congressman Bob Ney and Senator Mike DeWine. All three were fighting tough campaigns and were well behind in the polls.

The exact cause of the implosion is unknown but several theories are being considered. It has been suggested the bull $hit being emitted by Ken Blackwells campaign reached a massive amount, massive enough to cause a gravitational singularity. This small back hole created by the singularity would have formed spontaneously imploding Blackwell and crushing anything else within its event horizon.

Others suspect the event was triggered when the Republican Nation Committee withdrew funding from the Congressional campaign of Mike Dewine. The withdraw may have caused the Dewine campaign to fail structurally. This in turn touching off the full implosion of Ohio Republicans as the center collapsed in upon it’s self.

Still others insist the weight of the Tom Noe scandal brough down the party. Noe is an Ohio Republican convicted stealing more than $2 million from a fund for injured workers and spending it on the renovation his vacation home in the Florida Keys. While no discussion would be complete without the mention of the The scandal involving lobbyist Jack Abramoff that brought down Ohio Republican Congressman Bob Ney.

Samples from the massive crater are being tested by State officials, results are expected in the late evening of November 7th.