Terrorists Under Every Bed!

Negroponte to Choose Top Spooks

WASHINGTON – Under pressure from the President, John “Deathsquad” Negroponte, director of national intelligence, will appoint new FBI personnel, popularly called “spooks,” who will have expanded powers under a new “Terrorist under Every Bed” program, according to White House spokesman Scotty McFluffy.

“The government is conducting an intergalactic war against terrorism, which plays an important role in our theme of fear,” said McFluffy. “Who can better terrorize our citizens than a man with long practice in disappearances, torture, and secret operations in Central America? J.D. (Negroponte) is a perfect choice.”

The appointment will be the first time in U.S. history that a former director of death squads, drug smuggling and kidnapping will select high-level officials at the FBI, an agency once controlled by Jaclyn Edgar Hoover, who favored red gowns and high heels. The intelligence officials, who will be chosen by Negroponte and the director of the FBI, Robert “Silverspoon” Mueller the Third, will be given a free hand to identify suspected skateboarders and other suspicious misfits.

“Some people are concerned about abuse of secret powers, but what are secret powers for if not to be abused?” Negroponte said. “The new FBI will be able to handle threats from environmentalists, atheists and other critics who undermine all the good we are doing around the world.”

Placing Negroponte in charge of choosing FBI personnel represents recognition within the bureau that it is no longer the FBI of Jack Webb and Dragnet. After their repeated lapses, oversights, failed communications and outright stupidity in failing to stop 9/11, the FBI was in danger of being reorganized. But President Bush gave former FBI director George Tennishoes the Presidential Medal of Freedom and restored the FBI to its secret status.

“Georgie Porgie deserves a big medal for backing me on WMD and my rich supporters are promising him a high-paying job at some big important company like Halliburton or Anthrax Central,” said the President. “He’s a complete doofus with a mediocre golf game but he is outstanding, partially incompetent and mostly indisclosed.”

The appointments come after critics proposed a complete reorganization of the FBI, which Congress found “unable to find its ass with both hands.” Later Congress discovered WMD, not in Iraq, but in Arkansas, Alabama, Texas and dozens of other states, although they didn’t want to reveal the sites and embarrass the president. The White House and GOP members in Congress hope that the FBI will be more successful in controlling domestic threats from hippies, marijuana users, ACLU members and Unitarians.

The White House embraced Negroponte, who is being considered for a newly minted Presidential Medal of Empire, and promised to return disgraced operatives such as Ollie North, G. Gordon Littybitty, and Wylie C. Coyote to public life, perhaps in the FBI. Critics within the FBI protested that such appointments would threaten the bureau’s traditional incompetence. Other officials support refurbishing the FBI’s image with pricey suits and Predator sunglasses.

FBI officials would not discuss their investigation of Negroponte’s role in Central American death squads and cocaine smuggling. In response to questions, John C. Hotpistol, deputy director of the FBI, said: “We continue to embrace our mission to threaten not only the environment but small nations around the world. By the time Negroponte gets through, no one will ever dare to investigate him again.”

“The evolution of our intelligence continues to increase in the public’s estimation as we declare environmentalists the newest terrorist threat, track down terrorists in little nowhere burgs like Lodi – a load of you know what – and conduct so many secret investigations of ordinary folks that voters won’t know what hit them,” said Hotpistol. “You can trust us, someone must know what we are doing.”

Other proposals give Negroponte’s office control over the FBI’s intelligence spending, and ice cream and hooker budgets, as well as increasing their share from illegal drug sales. No one knows how much the FBI’s budget amounts to because much of it is “top secret,” to prevent domestic critics from obtaining potentially shameful information.

Formerly, FBI directors appointed most of their high officials, but after George Tennishoes got his medal, he promised the president that he could do anything he wanted, a precedent-setting move approved by Congress. The FBI director serves at the president’s whim, loses golf games to him and is entitled to hold meetings with used car salesmen and Boeing lobbyists.

Envisioned by the current GOP-dominated Congress, the director of the FBI would ideally understand domestic threats to GOP dominance, build on Negroponte’s efforts to spy on every U.S. citizen, and collect mountains of useless information to justify increasing budgets and surveillance.

“It’s a little much to ask the FBI to actually stop a terrorist attack,” said Negroponte. “Given unlimited authority to conduct secret operations, I guarantee you that we will be back next year asking for more money.”

Copyright 2005