To All Our Friends and Family:
Hello All and Merry Christmas! That’s right, it’s that joyous time of year again when all the shopping’s done, the tree is trimmed and the kids are finally in bed waiting for Santa. Yes, it’s once again time for our Christmas letter. Now, we hope that your year has been filled with good cheer and happiness, but quite frankly what we really want to do is tell you all about ourselves and how well we’re doing, so here goes:
We’re happy to report that Billy has taken care of that little problem we reported on in last years letter. As you no doubt remember the little scamp was facing fifteen to twenty in Attica after he got caught transporting some serious weight across state lines. The poor kid was at his wits end and was all set to flip on his supplier, someone he only knew as ‘The Knife’. Well, in one of those funny family coincidences that show the right hand doesn’t always know what the left hand is doing, Billy found out that The Knife was actually his dear little Grandma on his moms side, Ethel (Blade) Jenkins! Thank goodness the kid found out in time to avoid some real Christmas hilarity. Who knows where ( or in what foundation) he would have ended up if Grandma felt enough pressure.
The upshot was that Grandma and Billy were able to have a sit down at a restaurant on Staten Island and come up with a fall guy for the cops. Perhaps you’ve read in the papers about Father Tom Macko of the Our Lady of the Perpetual Orgasm church and the kiddy porn scandal .If so, remember how it was revealed after Father Macko ended up taking an unexpected world tour of Catholic Shrines in countries that carried no extradition treaties with the U.S. the good Padre was also thought to be dealing coke and methamphetamine? Yep, that was Granny and Billy, the little pranksters. Why Father Macko? Let’s just say that no one cuts into our kiddy pie without giving us the first slice. We’re happy to report that with Billy and Grandma now working much more closely together and no one taking any bits of the other thing our family profits are up 150% this year. Now, that’s a Merry Christmas!
The girls are doing well too. Christine is moving along with her film production career and has brought the twins Justine and Jenny in to help. Those girls always wanted to be in pictures. The next time you’re in local video store step into the back and look for anything starring Britney’s Speared or Lickidy Split. Those two girls are sure a couple of up and cummers (hah, hah)!
Of course, all our news isn’t joyous…poor Uncle Spike is no longer with us. He started to sample his own product ( always a mistake!) and took to wandering the streets of town waving a pistol around and screaming the Feds were after him. Ironically, the Feds really were after him, that is until he was found in the long term parking lot of Newark Airport, the apparent victim of suicide. While the Authorities have yet to explain how Spike was able to shoot himself in the back of the head through a closed car window the ruling on the cause of death did provide the family with some closure.
I guess that’s all we have time for this year. Next year we’ll update you on little Frankie’s foray into the trash hauling business, but for now, we wish you all a Merry Christmas and a safe and Happy New Year!