The Hammer, The Hammered, Harriet Miers and Sickly Grossbeaks: Unconfirmed Sources News Briefs- O…

“The Hammer” Becomes “The Nail”:

Texas Representative Tom DeLay, under three separate indictments in that state for money laundering and conspiracy and who was forced to relinquish his post as his parties leader of the House due to those charges, has assured Conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh that, “I’m going to fight it to the death.” Mr. DeLay’s fellow Republicans have hinted that maybe dying is the best thing the Texas Congressman can do at this point as it will save everyone a whole lot of grief in the 2006 elections.

Texas Representative Tom DeLay, under three separate indictments in that state for money laundering and conspiracy and who was forced to relinquish his post as his parties leader of the House due to those charges, has assured Conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh that, “I’m going to fight it to the death.” Mr. DeLay’s fellow Republicans have hinted that maybe dying is the best thing the Texas Congressman can do at this point as it will save everyone a whole lot of grief in the 2006 elections.


Now it’s George W. Bush Who Is The Hammer(ed):

President George W. Bush appeared in a Rose Garden press conference to defend his pick to replace Sandra Day O’Conner, the retiring Supreme Court Justice. Mr. Bush, who in the wake of collapsing poll numbers due to his mishandling of the War in Iraq, Hurricane Katrina, the economy, oil prices, global warming and his mistaken attempt to invade Toronto, Canada has found himself defending his choice of White House Council Harriet Miers not to rival Democrats, but to his own Conservative base. Looking like a man who still wished he drank…a lot…. with his voice low key and clutching the podium desperately, Mr. Bush assured the assembled reporters that Ms. Miers would not only “keep them damn Democrats from killing all them little unborn babies” but that she was also, “plenty bright…after all, she’s been keeping me outta jail since Daddy first let me play politics in Texas.” Conservative Christians, or Republicans as they are sometimes called, are leery of Ms. Miers as she has a vaugly Jewish name and you know how those people are.


Did That Rose Breasted Gross Beak Sneeze? Call In The Troops! :

In that same Rose Garden press conference, Mr. Bush also suggested that he would use the Army, or what’s left of it in the United States, to quarantine whole regions of the country in the event of a bird flu outbreak. Mr. Bush suggested that if such an event happened, he would have troops isolate the northern Blue States, whether or not that was where the outbreak occurred. He also suggested that if you notice your chicken coughing or sneezing you should immediately send it to New York Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, State Senate Building, Albany, New York.