The Pope And The Prophet, A Cool Drink Of Water and Gang Warfare: Unconfirmed Sources News Briefs…

Call Security! Stat!”

The Spiritual Leader of 1.1 billion Roman Catholics, Pope Benedict XVI, has issued an apology for remarks he made earlier that had characterized some of the teachings of the founder of the Muslim faith, the Prophet Mohammed, as “evil and inhuman”. While the apology was criticized by some followers of Islam as insufficient, a spokesman for the Pope, Cardinal Giovanni (Cicciotto) Acquacasata, insisted the Pontiff’s mea culpa was heartfelt. “Believe me, Pope Benedict (or ‘Bennie 4 Square’ as he is known in the halls of the Vatican) is truly sorry for angering the world’s Muslims. After all, who would want a bunch of violent killers pissed off at him?”

“Come, Let Us Reason Together”

Professing hopes that a compromise can be reached between themselves and Republican Senators John McCain, Lindsey Graham and John Warner regarding the use of “aggressive techniques” in the CIA interrogations of suspected terrorists, United States President George W. Bush’s national intelligence director, John Negroponte, has invited the three to a secret prison in Eastern Europe to not only witness, but partake in sample interrogation so they can see just how benign the questioning is. “We figure that after 36 hours of sleep deprivation and a few samples of ‘water-boarding’, we can get the Senators to fall in line quite nicely, thank you very much.”, Negroponte said.

When Two Bullies Meet

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and President Bush will most likely avoid each other at the United Nations General Assembly meeting today. It is well known that the two leaders have been at odds since the Iranian leader took office, but the question is, why? According to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, the whole thing started this way, “Well, like, after he was sworn in, Mahmoud told his aide that he thought that George like, couldn’t run a war to save his life. When George heard that, he went like, that Mahmoud dressed funny, like, without a tie and all. Then Mahmoud said that he’d like, meet George in the playground behind the UN and he’s all macho, like, anytime, anywhere, then George passed a note at recess to Tony Blair and Angela Merkel…I guess he was like, trying to get the old Coalition together, and Mahmoud sent one to his Hamas posse…well, pretty soon the whole lunch room was like, chanting, “Fight, fight, fight!” I can’t believe the Principle, Mr. (Kofi) Annan, hasn’t taken them both and put them in detention.”