Unconfirmed Sources report that White House has released a new version of the Ten Commandments in an attempt to head off a divisive legal fight before the Supreme Court. The President made the announcement early this morning at a press conference held at the Nation Cathedral. After reading the New Ten Commandments he distributed them to the media and then turned some nearby water into wine.
Ten Commandments expert, former Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore, said he liked the new version. “You all know how much I like the Ten Commandments, hell, I lost my job over them. So, you have to know that if I like the new version lots of others will like’em too. The New Ten Commandments is a real fusion of Church and State and I think they will catch on in a real hurry.”
“The President did a lot of soul searching,” explained White House spinner Ben Lion, “and with the help of Karl Rove and David Frum he was able to strike a real balance between respecting the old commandments and updating them to our modern era. I mean let’s face it they are 2000 years old, and frankly they needed a little work.”
Lion also explained that the new version of the Ten Commandments would be posted in all public buildings and will be recited every morning by all American school age children.
The New Ten Commandments From the Hands of George W. Bush
1. I am the President and your God, and you had better not forget it.
2. You shall have no other President but my brother, or me.
3. You shall not misuse the name of the President or any Republican, especially during an election year.
4. You shall remember and keep the Sabbath day holy, unless you are poor and need to work a second job, like a good American.
5. Respect your father and mother, until they become a burden, then off them and collect the insurance.
6. You must not kill, unless you are killing an Arab or a Democrat.
7. You must not commit adultery, unless she is very hot and there is no chance you will get caught.
8. You must not steal, unless you are stealing from the poor.
9. You must not give false evidence against your neighbor, unless you are in front of a TV camera or are running for public office.
10. You must not be envious of your neighbor’s goods, house, wife nor anything that belongs to your neighbor, because he deserves what he’s got and you are a lazy bum for not having stuff as good as his.