Friday, January 6, 2006
The Reverend Pat Roberstson, suspected transvestite, closet homosexual and leader of the 699 Club, has decreed that the massive stroke that Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon suffered several days ago was the result of God’s wrath. Mr. Roberstson, who is these days one member shy of Seven Hundred, labeled Mr. Sharon’s hematological spanking as God’s way of saying Israel shouldn’t give any land to the Palestinians. So, while he lay comatose and on a breathing ventilator fighting for his life. Ariel Sharon suddenly, if unknowingly finds himself with one more problem on his plate: God’s Divine Retribution.
While calling the Israeli Prime Minister “a very tender-hearted man and a good friend” whom he had prayed with just last year, the radical Christian Cleric went on to say that being tender hearted won’t do you a bit of good if you decide to fuck with God. The reason that God’s so ticked at Sharon, explained Roberstson, is that by giving any of the lands that the Bible has labeled as Israel to anyone but Jews will delay the Rapture. For those sane Christians and members of various other religions of the world who have no idea what Evangelicals are thinking, the Rapture is when all good little Evangelical children of God, and only the good little Evangelical children of God, will be taken en masse to Heaven in a positive orgy of spirituality to partake of the feast of heaven while the rest of us shed bitter tears of resentment and self pity. United States President George W. Bush is an Evangelical Christian.
In the Reverend Roberstson’s quirky little world, good deeds, caring and compassion, even sacrificing your very life for others is an absolutely worthless waste of time if you’re not saved, i.e.: Evangelical. While it does take the pressure off, it still hardly seems fair. Under Robertson’s way of thinking, Mother Theresa, Mahatma Gandhi, Pope John Paul II, Thomas a’ Becket, Sir Thomas Moore and especially any Jew in Israel, who are the very instruments of God’s will in this matter in the first place, will suffer eternal damnation while George Bush, John Ashcroft, Jerry Falwell and Pat Roberstson will reap the rewards of Heaven. It makes it hard for this reporter at least to decide if Eternal Salvation is really worth it. The idea of spending eternity with George Bush and John Ashcroft is simply one that is too much to bear.
While one is tempted to wish PrimeMinister Sharon all the best, the hopes for his recovery seems to be pointless, given Rev. Roberstson’s decree, unless of course he might wake up long enough to be baptized into the Evangelical faith and save his Immortal Soul. This is a distinct possibility, given that his doctors warn that even if he does revive, he may have suffered brain damage.