The State Of The Union: Translated

Unconfirmed sources have taken the text of the Presidents State of the Union Address and given it to a panel of experts for translation. As it turns out the country is divided, going broke, and getting ready to screw the poor and the young.

A close examination of the translated text of the speech reveals the following points:

We are going to spread freedom to all the countries of the world, except for those countries where we have airbases or from whom we buy oil.

We are going to protect the freedom of all Americans, except for gay people.

We will unite the entire country in our cause of making America great, except for those of you in blue states.

We are going to safeguard Social Security for everyone, except people who are under the age of 55.

We are going to protect the right of people to access the legal system, unless there are a lot of you.

We are going to protect the right of all Americans to have good health care, unless they need it.

Freedom from fear will be added to the Bill of Rights.

We are going to cut the federal deficit in half, but only after The President has retired to Crawford.

We will protect the rights of people across the world to exercise the ideals of democracy, except for minority voters in American swing states.

We are going to continue the fight against Al Qaida, but not in Pakistan.

We are going to end tyranny in the world, even if we have to torture the world to do it.

We support the aspirations of the Palestinian people to have a state of their own, but only if it’s ok with Ariel Sharon.

We will support the building of democratic movments in our Arab allies Egypt, Pakistan and Saudi Arabia. (Well, not really.)

Look out Iran. One down two to go in the Axis of Evil.

American troops will withdraw from Iraq when the job is done, 15 to 20 years from now.

Weapons of mass destruction? What weapons?

There you have it folks.