The White House Supports Abortion, Kinky Christian Kids and Paul Wolfowitz Banks On Bombing: Unco…

Parents- Don’t Touch That…You Don’t Know Where It’s Been:

A study co-authored by professors from Yale and Columbia Universities has found that teenagers who have pledged to remain virgins till marriage have not foregone all sexual activity, only intercourse; instead, they’ve been indulging in oral and anal sex as a way to make up the shortfall. While holding to the letter if not the spirit of the abstinence contract, the study found that the transmission rate of STD’s among young Christians has not been reduced at all. On the other hand, young Conservative Christian girls seem to be more popular than ever in the old dating pool .

This “Kinking Up of Christianity” has left some parents at a loss as to how to deal with their teenage daughters. One father, the Reverend Cleatus F. Masterson said, “I was amazed when I read the results of the study. I used to go and give my daughter a good night kiss every evening before bed, but now I just shake hands with her. And when she kneels to pray I keep getting these other images in my head. I’m ready to just tear up the virginity contract and let the little slut have straight sex.”

Don’t Blame The Liberals, You Got What You Asked For:

In a somewhat related story, President George W. Bush’s nominee for head of the Food and Drug Administration has indicated at his confirmation hearing that the FDA will approve the emergency Plan B morning after contraceptive pill for over the counter sale. Acting FDA Commissioner Lester B. Crawford stopped short of formally announcing the decision but left little doubt as to which way his agency would go.

President Bush, when asked about the abortion pill debate said, ” I nominated Crawford for the post, so I must agree with him that abortion is okay. And if I remember correctly from my alcohol and drug addled days as a jet pilot, anal and oral sex is pretty neat too.”
Conservative Christian groups, whose support of Bush won him re-election last November are said to be getting behind the concept of both contraceptives and weird sex, since they believed President Bush was God’s choice to lead America and therefore this must be what God wants. Many churches are said to be planning Christian Sex Nights for their children.

I Needed The Money But The Vig Is Killing Me…Literally:

Assistant Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz, whose nomination to head the World Bank by President Bush had raised some eyebrows on the world stage, is gaining support from member nations. After initially opposing the President’s choice, world leaders have been coming around to support Mr. Wolfowitz, mostly because of his plan to deal with developing countries that are in danger of defaulting on their loans. Mr. Wolfowitz has indicated that he would support a pre-emptive Liberation of any country that failed to repay it’s loans, with the assets being divided up between World Bank member nations.
In an unpublished interview Mr. Wolfowitz might have said, “Look, when you default on your home mortgage your bank comes and takes your house…this is the same principle but with the added benefit of shock and awe for the TV viewers. And good TV is good politics.”