The Wizard of Oil

It sure is amazing what they uncover when they restore these old films and put them on DVD…
(larger pictures available HERE)


Somewhere under the radar, way down low.
There’s a land that I heard of once, where the oil still flows.
Somewhere under the radar, folks are screwed.
And the schemes that you dare to scheme really do come through.
One day I wrecked the family car, and daddy and my mummy Bar remind me,
Of my troubles taking acid drops, the night they had to call the cops,
And then they fined me.
Somewhere under the radar, I’ll get high. Drink Rye under the radar,
Try, oh yes I’ll still try
Why, why must I be dry?

Dubithy: Turdo, I have a feeling were not in Texas anymore! We must be under the radar!

Glanda: Are you my Bitch, or are you a bad Bitch?

Dubithy: Who, me! I — I’m not a bitch at all. I’m Dubithy George, from Texas.

Glanda: Ooooo!

Dubithy: What was that?

Glanda: The Potemkins. They’re laughing because I am a Bitch. I’m Glanda, the Bitch of the Corps.

Dubithy: You are! I guess you’re pardoned! But I’ve never heard of a beautiful Bitch before. Oh. But – if you please, what are Potemkins?

Glanda: The little people who live in this land. It’s Potemkinland, and you are their national hero… er… heroine, my dear. It’s all right – you may all come out and worship her.

Mayor Delay: As Mayor of Potemkin City in the county of the Sugarland of Oil I’ll fundraise for you most illegally.

Barrister Roberts: But we’ve got to verify it legally to see…

Mayor Delay: To see?

Barrister Roberts: If she…

Mayor Delay: If she?

Barrister Roberts: Is morally, ethically

Father Robertson: Spiritually, physically

Father Dobson: Positively, absolutely

All: Undeniably and reliably dead!

Coroner Frist: As senator I must aver I cursorily examined her. And it’s not quite clear she’s dead, she’s really, mostly nearly dead.

Mayor Delay: Then this is a day of intervention for all the Potemkins and their dependents! The Bitch’s switch won’t be turned off so fast!

Potemkins: Off, On! The switch of dread!

Which old switch?

That wicked switch!

Off, On! The switch that makes you dead!

Wake up, you sleepy head!

Rub your eyes,

Get out of bed.

Wake up, before that switch of dread!

We’re on the Geraldo show

Let go… let go…let go.

Oh no, that’s not Christian thing,

To bring the swells out.

Off, on! This rodeo!

Sing it high,

Sing it low.

Let them know

The wicked switch is dead!

We represent, we represent, The Alibi League,

The Alibi League, The Alibi League,

And in the name of The Alibi League,

We’ll cover up for you in Potemkinland.

We represent, we represent, The Gatorade Guild,

The Gatorade Guild, The Gatorade Guild,

And in the name of The Gatorade Guild…

We drink a toast to you in Potemkinland.

Glanda: Aren’t you forgetting the Ruby Ferragamos?

Wicked Bitch: The Ferragamos – yes… the Ferragamos! They’re gone! The Ruby Ferragamos! What have you done with them? Give them back to me, or I’ll…

Glanda: It’s too late! There they are, and there they’ll stay!

Dubithy: Oh!

Wicked Bitch: Give me back my Ferragamos! I’m the only one with feet that wide. They don’t even look good on you! Give them back to me! Give them back!

Glanda: Keep tight inside of them – they must be very comfortable, or she wouldn’t want them so badly!

Wicked Bitch: You stay out of this, Glanda, or I’ll fix you as well!

Glanda: Promises, promises! You have no power here. Be gone, before somebody drops a charge on you, too.

Wicked Bitch: Very well – I’ll bide my time – and as for you, my fine laddie, it’s true, I can’t attend to you here and now as I’d like, but just try to stay out of my way…. just try! I’ll have you, my pootie, and your little dog, too!

Glanda: It’s always best to threaten the ultimate ending – and all you do is follow the Yellow Cake Road.

Dubithy: Follow the Yellow Cake Road. Follow the Yellow Cake Road.

Potemkins: Follow the Yellow Cake Road. Follow the Yellow Cake Road. Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the Yellow Cake Road.

Follow the Yellow Cake Road. Follow the Yellow Cake Road. Follow the Yellow Cake Road.

You’re off to steal the Business, The Wonderful Business of Oil!

You’ll find it is a Whiz of a Biz! If ever a Biz there was!

If ever o ever a Biz there was, The Business of Oil is one because,

Because, because, because, because, because.

Because of the Wonderful Bling for us!

You’re off to steal the Business, The Wonderful Business of Oil!

Dubithy: Follow the Yellow Cake Road? Follow the Yellow Cake…? Well, now which way do we go, Turdo?

Scarecrum: Pardon me. This is a very neo-con way.

Dubithy: Who said that?…… That’s funny. Wasn’t he pointing the other way?


Starecrum: While I shoot them all my glowers,

Reducin’ standin’ powers,

Rubbin’ ‘gainst the grain.

With the plots that I’m hatching,

They’re are all busy armor patching,

‘Cause I’m clinically insane.

It may look just like I piddle,

When troops resort to griddles

To double prisoner pain.

Dubithy: With your thoughts, I hope you’re winkin’

Are you sure you’ve not been drinking’ ?

Maybe snortin’ some cocaine?

Starecrum: Oh, I can be so sly,

This notion I adore.

I can link up things we’ve never lunked before,

I’ll never quit, the kink and gore.

I am not a big fat muffin,

Like the lyin, always bluffin’

And leaving undies stained.

Even the Right thinks I’m scary

`Cause I’m such a dingleberry,

I’m just clinically insane!

Dubithy: Ohh! Wonderful! Why if our Jim Crows back in Texas could do that, the crows’d be scared to protest!

Starecrum: They would?

Dubithy: Yep!

Starecrum: Where’s Texas?

Dubithy: That’s where I tell folks I grew up, and I want to get back there so badly, I’m going all the way to the Emirate City to get the Wizard of Oil to help me.

Starecrum: Do you think if I went with you, this Wizard would respond to pain?

Dubithy: I couldn’t say. But even if he didn’t, I couldn’t be any worse off than I am now.

Starecrum: Yes, that’s true. Look, I could raise trouble, because I’m so Right Wing, and I could manage things because you stink. Won’t you take me with you?

Dubithy: Of course I will.

Starecrum: Hooray! We’re off to grill the Wizard!

Dubithy: Why it’s a man! A man made out of sin!

Starecrum: What?

Dubithy: Yup!

Oil Man: Foiled plan!

Dubithy: Did you say something?

Oil Man: Foiled plan!

Dubithy: He said foiled plan.

Oil Man: Meee, Meee, My- mmmmmy, my, my, my knees! I can walk again!

Dubithy: Well, you’re perfect now

Oil Man: Perfect? Oh, bang on my war drum if you think I’m perfect. Go ahead, bang on it! It’s silent. I’ve got to find a way to give it a start. It all follows.


Oil Man: When an old man’s droolin’ spittle

And loose around the middle,

And with a worn out heart.

It’s because they keep exhumin’,

To the point that I’m inhuman,

And I’m only made of parts.

On a bender, I go mental,

I’m less than continental,

Disregarding life and art,

I defend the broken arrows,

As a boy I shot at sparrows,

Now I’m only made of parts.

For a fee, I’d drain the sea,

To pump the oil below…

Dubithy: Wherefore art thou, Conoco?

Oil Man: An oily teat… light and sweet!

Just to stop the drills transocean, heresy, commotion,

I think I’d fall apart.

I say bung, I’m the skipper,

Are you shocked, a double dipper?

For a war I’ve got to start!

Dubithy: I don’t like this forest! It’s – it’s unpolluted and clean!

Starecrum: Of course I could make it a lot darker if I had a lighter.

Dubithy: Do – do you suppose we’ll meet any wild animals?

Oil Man: We might.

Starecrum: Animals that – that don’t eat meat?

Oil Man: Some – but mostly liberals, and liars, and gays.

Dubithy: Liberals?

Starecrum: And liars?

Oil Man: And gays.

Dubithy: Oh! Liberals, and liars, and gays! Oh my!

All: Liberals, and liars, and gays! Oh my!…

Roverly Lyin: Put ’em up! Put ’em up! Which one of you’s Frist? I’ll tie you all in together if you want! I’ll tie you in with his Paw out behind the shack. I’ll tie you into branding on the tush. I’ll lie to you with my eyes open. Oh – tryin’ to give me the axe, eh? Leaking about me, eh? Why?

Oil Man: Here – here. You play in the ozone!

Roverly Lyin: Afraid, huh? How long can you stay alive off that respirator? Come on – Throw out some spite, you sniveling medical ward! Put up your armor, you state-sided bag of wind!

Starecrum: Wow! Now that’s some personal lyin’!

Oil Man: Yes – you’ve been giving him lessons.

Starecrum: Well – what’s wrong – haven’t you been teaching him too?

Oil Man: Well – well – I hardly know him.

Roverly Lyin: Well, I’ll get you, anyway, Pee-Wee.

Dubithy: Shame on you!

Roverly Lyin: What — what did you do that for? I didn’t bite it.

Dubithy: No, but you tried to. It’s bad enough trying to pick up an old wind bag, but when you go around picking on my poor little…


Roverly Lyin: Yes it really makes me pissy,

The ass you have to kissy,

And the jerks whose whims you serve.

But I can show a scowl less, lie and then kowtow less,

With a lowly softball curve.

Half the time I’m never tryin’, I’m just dandy at the lyin’,

My fate I will preserve.

The truth would be scissored…

Oil Man: I’ll keep the grizzled vizard…

Starecrum: I’ll grill insurgent gizzards…

Dubithy: If the wizard has an oil field in reserve…

Starecrum: Then I’m sure to cause more pain…

Oil Man: Spare parts…

Dubithy: The Dome…

Roverly Lyin: Mince words…

All: We’re off to steal the Business, The Wonderful Business of Oil!

You’ll find it is a Whiz of a Biz! If ever a Biz there was!

If ever o ever a Biz there was, The Business of Oil is one because,

Because, because, because, because, because.

Because of the Wonderful Bling for us!

We’re off to steal the Business, The Wonderful Business of Oil!

Dubithy: There’s Emirate City! Oh, we’re almost there at last! At last! It’s beautiful, isn’t it? Just like I knew it would be. He really must be a wonderful Wizard to live in a City like that! Oh – Oh – what’s happening? What is it? I can’t run anymore. I’m so…. sleepy. This weeding poppies is such hard work…

We’re lost in the woods

We’re lost in the dark

We’re swallowed by night


Roverly Lyin: If I could just bring a thesaurus, I’d be mean, I’ d nuke, I’ d dispense.

My legal tomes from the thesaurus, would be Latin, and rotten, and dense.

I’d demean everything, dig at flesh and run afoul.

Without proof, give me proof I’d coyly growl – proof!

I’d lick at their heels, all would freeze at my zeal.

And my mountainous scow would be artful somehow.

And the rumors I could fling – If I – If I – could bring!

These habits you should expect of me. The punks want my vasectomy.

Though they wail as I lash, I would continue to bash,

Gore every hireling!

If I – If I – could sling!

Just sling!

Hallmark of all I purvey Hall – ma – a – a – a – ark of all I purvey!


Dubithy: Your modesty! If you could sling, you wouldn’t be afraid of anything?

Roverly Lyin: Nope! Nobody but thou!

Oil Man: Not even White Phosphorus?

Roverly Lyin: Just leaves more for us!

Dubithy: How about a lobotomy?

Roverly Lyin: I’d accuse the Doc of misogyny!

Dubithy: Supposin’ you met a sycophant?

Roverly Lyin: I’d turn him into a press briefing plant!

Starecrum: What if they weren’t all for us?

Roverly Lyin: I’d tell ’em that they stink, of course!

All Three: How?

Roverly Lyin: How?

Verbage! What puts the sting into the knave?

Verbage! What makes ’em gag on the past and waive?

Verbage! What makes the accelerant charge at dusk, make the pissy pissed and the fussy fuss?

What makes the anomalous bad guard a plus?

Verbage! What makes our finks from heaven thunder?

Verbage! What makes that lawn filled with crosses a blunder?

Verbage! What makes the have-nots not-so-hot? What stops the gapes at the homeless cots?

What have I got that they ain’t got?

All Three: Verbage?

Roverly Lyin: Say that again about a million times!

Wizard: I am Oil, the great and powerful Oil knows why you have come. Step Forward, Oil Man!

Oil Man: Ohhhhh!

Wizard: You dare to come to sell spare parts, do you?

And you, Starecrum, have the gruntery to spread your pain! And you – Lyin!!

Well, the opalescent Oil has every intention of slanting your requests!

But first, you must bring me the aluminum tubing of the Wicked Bitch of the West.

Wicked Bitch: What a floppy little dog. And you, my dear, what an unexpected pleasure. It’s so kind of you to visit me with your manliness.

Dubithy: What are you going to do with my dog! Give it back to me!

Wicked Bitch: All in short time, my little pretty… all in a very short time.

Dubithy: Oh, please give me back my Turdo!

Wicked Bitch: Certainly – certainly – when you give me those ruby Ferragamos.

Dubithy: But Glanda told me not to.

Wicked Bitch: Very well! Throw that basket in the river and drown it!

Dubithy: No! No – no! Here – you can have your old Ferragamos – but give me back my Turdo.

Wicked Bitch: That’s a good little girl. They’re not even in season. Ahh! Ah!

Dubithy: I’m sorry. I didn’t do it! Can I still have my Turdo?

Wicked Bitch: No! Fool, that I am! I should have remembered – those Ferragamos will never come off, as long as… you’re on vacation.

Dubithy: Run, Turdo, run!

Wicked Bitch: Catch it you fool!

Dubithy: Run, Turdo, run! Run, Turdo, run! He went away! He went away!

Wicked Bitch: Ohhhh! Which is more than you will! Drat you and your droopy dog! You’ve been more trouble to me than you’re worth, one way and another… but you’ll soon be my lover now!

Oil Man: Look! There’s Turdo! Where’d he come from?

Starecrum: Why, don’t you see? The Witch took him away from Dubithy.

Oil Man: Oh!

Starecrum: Come on, fellows!

Roverly Lyin: What’s that? What’s that?

Starecrum: That’s the bunker of the Wicked Bitch. Dubithy’s in that awful place!

Oil Man: Oh, I hate to think of me not in there. We’ve got to get in! Who’s them? Who’s them?

Finkies: Petro… leeee… yum! Petrol…yum! Petro… leeee… yum! Petrol…yum!

Starecrum: I’ve got a scheme on how to get in there. And you’re going to leak it.

Roverly Lyin: All right. I’ll go in there for Dubithy… Wicked Bitch or no Wicked Bitch… leotards or no leotards… I’ll rip `em a

fart. Ohhhh! I may come out a liar but I’m going in there. There’s only one thing I want you fellas to do.

Starecrum and Oil Man: What’s that?

Roverly Lyin: Leak me out of it.

Finkies: Petro… leeee… yum! Petrol…yum! Petro… leeee… yum! Petrol…yum!

Wicked Bitch: Ha, ha, ha! Going so soon? I wouldn’t hear of it. Why, the Republican party’s just beginning.

Ha, ha, ha, eh, eh! Ring around ol’ Rovey! A docket full of liars! Well, the last to go to prison will see the first three go

before her! And your manly little dog, too! How about a little Willey Pete, Starecrum? Huh?

Starecrum: No! No! No! No! Help! I’m burning! I’m burning! I’m burning!

Wicked Bitch: No, don’t throw that cold cream! Ohhhhh! You cursed brat! Look what you’ve done! I’m molting! Molting!

Finkies: Hell! Aw Hell, Dubithy! The Wicked Bitch has fled!

Dubithy: You mean, you’re…you’re all happy about it?

Finkie Leader: Very happy – now she won’t be able to hit us with her aluminum tubing….

Dubithy: The tubing! May we have it?

Finkie Leader: Please! And take it with you!

Dubithy: Oh – thank you so much! Now we can go back to the Wizard and tell him the Wicked Bitch has fled!

Wizard: Therefore, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Universalus Commitmenteaum e pluralis sanitarium, I hereby confer upon you the honorary degree of Sp.D.

Starecrum: Sp.D. ?

Wizard: Yeah – that… that’s Dr. of Spookology!

Starecrum: The sum of the squared boots of any two sides of an insurgent triangle is equal to the squared boots of the remaining side. Oh joy, it’s the rapture! I can cause real pain!

Wizard: Therefore – for monstrous…. conduct, extraordinary pallor, contemptuous knavery against wicked bitches, I award you the Double Cross. You are now a member of the legions of Medals of Freedom recipients!

Roverly Lyin: Oh – Oh – shucks, folks, I’m besmirchless!

Wizard: Well, you force me into a catalytic combustion. The only way to get Dubithy back to Texas is for me to take her there myself!

Dubithy: An oil well too? Could you? Oh – but are you a clever enough Wizard to manage it?

Wizard: Dub – you cut me to the quick! I’m an old dry well man myself… born and…. bred in the heart of the Arabian wasteland

Dubithy: But it wasn’t a dream… it was a dusty country… and you … and you… and you were there. But you wouldn’t have really gone there, would you?

Mummy Lar: Oh, we hallucinate a lot of silly things when we’ve had too much to drink…

Dubithy: No, Mummy Lar… it wasn’t the DT’s… this was a real, truly filthy place. But I remember one of the bitches was pretty nice…but mostly it was miserable. But just the same, all I kept saying to everyone was, we’re not leaving ’til we have a victory. and they kicked my ass out. Why doesn’t anybody believe me anymore?