Thompson Drops Out, Detained in Florida

Coral Beach, FL (UPSI) – Fred D. Thompson, former senator from Tennessee and today, officially, a former Republican presidential candidate, was detained by Coral Beach police late this afternoon after witnesses described him “weaving in and out of oncoming traffic in a golf cart” near the downtown area. Witnesses also stated that Thompson refused to yield to police during the low-speed chase for almost 5 blocks, finally pulling over after being threatened with a tazer.

“He wasn’t belligerent at all, and insisted to the officers that he was just going back to his home state of Tennessee,” stated a paparazzo who happened to be at the scene. “It looked like they confiscated about a half bottle of Tennessee sipping whiskey in a brown paper bag.”

Thompson’s antics occurred after his campaign had earlier announced today that he would be withdrawing from the Republican race for president after dismal showings in the opening primaries.

Coral Beach authorities stated that Thompson and his golf cart had been taken into custody. They stated that officers at the scene were unable to conduct a field sobriety test due to Thompson’s inability to participate without the cart. A spokesperson for the police department announced that they would be forming a committee to investigate the feasibility of pressing charges.

Thompson’s campaign staff had earlier in the day stated that he would not be offering an endorsement in the race. A number of witnesses, however, stated that Thompson could be heard laughing as he was being taken into custody by the police and shouting loudly, “Vote for Hillary! Vote for Hillary!”

Campaign staffers insisted that Thompson’s statement was simply, “lost in translation”.