Tiger Woods No Longer Wants Sex

Number One golfer Tiger Woods, and the doctors treating him for sex addiction, claim he has made a complete recovery and no longer has any desire for sex at all.

Woods admitted himself into a sex rehab center in Hattiesburg, Mississippi after admitting to enjoying sex with no fewer than 100 women in the course of one year. After intensive therapy he no longer craves sex at all and hopes he never has sex again.

“Sex is icky and scary”, Woods told reporters. “I hope I never do that to myself again!”

Therapy at the rehab center involved Woods being strapped to a table after three days of sleep deprivation as pornographic images were displayed in front of him. If his penis showed signs of engorgement he would receive an electric shock to the genitals. The shocks would become more painful if the erections did not subside. In addition, an Evangelical preacher would read from the Bible and spray holy water as Woods screamed for mercy. These techniques, combined with counseling, have enabled Woods to overcome his addiction.

One of the doctors treating Woods said, “After six weeks of shock therapy Tiger no longer had erections, even after seeing nude videos of Megan Fox. We were able to eliminate the shock therapy and the preacher has moved on to other projects”.

Woods says he is relieved that he no longer thinks about sex and can focus entirely on golf from now on. He rejoins the PGA tour next month.

He wife Elin Nordegren was not so pleased.