Today On The McCain Campaign Trail

McCain On School Violence:

Stockton Springs, Maine– Maine law enforcement officials, including members of the Waldo County Sheriff’s Department and the Maine Department of Public Safety, arrested a man who had briefly taken 11 fifth grade students hostage at their elementary school on Friday. The suspect, 55-year-old Randall Hofland, had earlier fled police after pointing a gun at an officer during a traffic stop. Arizona Senator John McCain, speaking at a campaign rally in Ohio said, “My friends, this is what we can expect for our children from an Obama Presidency…traffic stops and hostage taking. Vote for me and keep our children and traffic safe!”

Palin Comments On Hispanics, ANWAR and Chevrolet

Austin, Texas– 24 year old Aureia Gallardo has been charged with felony child endangerment for beating her 4 year old daughter then throwing her in the path of an oncoming Chevy SUV. Although the driver of the Suburban was able stop before striking the little girl, Sarah Palin, speaking at a campaign rally in Latrobe, Pennsylvania said, ” There’s a direct link between Barack Obama’s refusal to drill in ANWAR and the driver of that SUV nearly killing that little girl. Is this what we want for America? Latino supporters of Barack Obama beating their children, or worse, our children, while real American’s in SUV’s are forced to stop?”

McCain On Supporting Sex Offenders

Maryland– Violent or child sex offenders in the state have been ordered by Maryland’s Department of Parole and Probation to hang out orange pumpkin signs reading “No Candy” at their residences today. Wonda Adams, a field supervisor in that department warns that if the sex offenders don’t comply, they will be visited by police. John McCain, speaking at a campaign stop in Hanoverton, Ohio said, “My friends, is this what we want during the next four years? Sex Offenders luring our children with candy? Why is Barack Obama silent on this issue? Does that mean he supports Sex Offenders? Well, Sarah Palin and I most certainly do not support Sex Offenders, my friends, but I could sure go for a Milky Way bar right now.”

Campaign Commentary
Unnamed McCain Campaign spokesman Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “That’s the one good thing about being the underdog- you’re pretty much free to throw out any accusation that you want; after all, who’re you gonna alienate when you’ve already alienated everyone? That said, we’ve decided to keep our underdog status right through election day and hopefully beyond…uh, wait a minute.”