HOLLYWOOD- Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes announced yesterday that they are expecting their first little Scientologist next spring. Given the public displays of tonsil hockey put on by Cruise, 43, and Holmes, 26, in the world’s major capitals earlier this year, their announcement is about as surprising as Courtney Love revealing that she has another date with the jumper cables at a rehab clinic. What sets the Cruise-Holmes announcement apart, however, is Cruise’ insistence that Holmes is still a virgin and will remain one until they are married.
“That is a value that’s so important to Katie and me,” said Cruise from his elevated chair in the Scientology tent on the set of Mission Impossible: 3. “Couples who can’t wait until marriage to open their most intimate gifts do not have the discipline to be decent parents and, like Brooke Shields, are often punished with severe postpartum depression.”
Members of the press reacted with some skepticism to the news that Katie Holmes will join the Blessed Virgin Mary in a select club whose membership is open only to women who manage to conceive without having intercourse. In Mary’s case the “birth father” of her baby, Jesus, was the Holy Spirit, the third person of the Blessed Trinity, whose other members, God the Father and God the Son, live on the Big Ponderosa Ranch in the Sky.
In Holmes case, the birth father of her child is the late L. Ron Hubbard, the science fiction writer who founded the Scientology cult in 1954. Hubbard, who claimed to have visited the planet Venus, is believed to have ascended there following his death in 1986. According to Cruise, “the rest of the world will know by the imprint of three dollar signs—$$$—on our baby’s head that he is the child of L. Ron Hubbard come to lead his people home.”
Despite the skepticism of the press, Scientologists greeted Cruise’ announcement with enthusiasm.
“That really takes a weight off my shoulders,” said Fat Actress star, Kirstie Alley. “Scientologists have been waiting nearly twenty years for the second coming of L. Ron Hubbard. Soon it will be time to board the Mothership.”
Scientologists like Alley, Cruise, Beck Hansen, Greta van Susteren, John Travolta, Jenna Elfman, and Priscilla Presley believe all human beings are Thetans, the descendants of two creatures from another galaxy who were left on Earth by the Mothership millions of years ago. Thetans are born with Original Dysfunction, a state of confusion and longing for drugs inherited from the two original Thetans, Mork and Mindy, who refused to donate any of their fruit to the First Universal Cooperative. Therefore, all Thetans are possessed of Engrams, physical and emotional scars acquired in previous lives, and are doomed to endure successive reincarnations on Earth until they have donated a sufficient amount of money to Scientology.
Only by rigorous monitoring and cleansing—which can be purchased by cash, certified check, money order, or credit card other than American Express—can Thetans hope to become clear, i.e., free of Engrams and fabulously wealthy. Once Thetans have become fabulously wealthy, they can afford to buy their way onto the Mothership and eternal bliss on Venus.
According to Alley, Cruise’ leaping onto the couch on the Oprah show was his way of signaling that he was ready to leave this planet (the floor) and go home to Venus (the couch). The number of times Cruised jumped up and down on the couch signaled the amount, in millions, that he was willing to pay to book passage on the Mothership.
“Dropping to one knee signified Tom’s allegiance to Scientology,” said Alley, “while the muscle-boy pose signaled his attainment of a clear state, free of the influence of Engrams.”
By seizing Oprah’s hands and waving her arms from side to side, “Tom was waving good-bye to the shallow, materialistic culture that Oprah represents. Of course, by dragging Katie Holmes on stage, Tom was signaling that he wanted her to bear L. Ron Hubbard’s child once she had converted to Scientology and had donated enough money to cleanse her Engrams.”
Next Oprah: New Evidence Suggests that Christopher Columbus Was Gay.