Tom Cruise Still Gay in Love, Dick Cheney Shoots Straight, The Diary of Linsday Lohan

(New York–NY) Arnold Robinson, publicist for Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, absolutely denied a story in “Life & Style” magazine that the couple was breaking up. “Mr. Cruise and Ms. Holmes are still engaged and are moving forward with their wedding plans, as well as planning for the arrival of their child,” said Robinson. He then added, “Katie Holmes, who is Mr. Cruise’s girlfriend, who he has seen naked, can barely walk from all the…uh…sex she’s having with him, yeah, lots of hot heterosexual sex… that’s the ticket.”

(Washington, D.C.) Dick Cheney gave his first interview yesterday since shooting a Republican supporter, Harry Whittington, out of season this past weekend. Cheney said, “You can’t blame anybody else. I’m the guy who pulled the trigger and shot my friend.” In a related note, seismographic records proved that the earth in fact did stand still after Cheney’s announcement, because he was the first member of the Bush administration to claim responsibility for anything.

(Washington, D.C.) In a related note, the NRA is bringing back its slogan of “guns don’t kill people; people kill people.” The new slogan, “guns don’t kill people; Dick Cheney does.”

(Peshawar–Pakistan) According to authorities in Peshawar, Pakistan, demonstrators setting fire to a local KFC did not do it because of the recent Danish cartoons portraying the prophet Mohammed but because the KFC ran out of the Colonel’s extra crispy recipe during the lunch rush. Said one irate demonstrator, “You’ll never run out of extra crispy again.”

(Washington, D.C.) The President and First Lady celebrated Valentine’s Day with a one hundred-guest party. The evening was topped off by cabaret crooner Michael Feinstein’s version of “Great Ball of Fire”. As he shook Feinstein’s hand, The President told him, “this is truly a holiday I’ll remember. I never met a Jew before.”

(Los Angeles–CA) Lindsay Lohan’s diary is set to become a movie. It will detail every aspect of the teen pop stars harrowing emotional battles, the tentative title “A Million Empty Pages.”

(Sydney–Australia) A study by the Sydney based Lowy institute think tank found that a worst case scenario outbreak of avian flew could see the world population decreased by 142 million people or as it would be known in the United States by the Bush administration radical Social Security reform.

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