Tom DeLay: The Hammer Refuses To Get Nailed

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Embattled Texas Congressman Tom DeLay, in an effort to regain his seat as House Majority Leader, has successfully petitioned a State Court of Criminal Appeals to have his money laundering trial date moved up. Citing the fact that all the bribes and fixes were able to be paid and set up in record time, Mr. DeLay told the all Republican Appeals Court that his original plan of getting all the charges dismissed has become superfluous. That ploy resulted in only one conspiracy charge being dismissed and has inadvertently slowed down Mr. DeLay’s return to power as his trial has been delayed while prosecutor Ronnie Earle appeals that charge’s dismissal.

A spokesman for Mr. DeLay said, “I’ll admit we were a little surprised that we were able to get all our ducks in a row so fast, but Tom still has a lot of juice here in Texas. Well, juice isn’t the right word, incriminating tape recordings, photo’s, emails and video’s are really the right words. Nothing illegal mind you, but we all know that Texas Republicans love a good time, and Tommy has always been quite the shutter bug. But he agrees with the Appeals Court members that those photo’s and things are strictly of a personal nature and should never see the light of day. Of course, if his ass gets sent to prison he’ll have no way to guarantee that some cleaning lady won’t find them laying there on his desk with notes to the Feds and their respective wives.”

Court watchers in Texas have speculated that Mr. DeLay’s trial could begin sometime in early January and finish soon thereafter; most feel fifteen minutes to an acquittal would not be too much time see justice done. Texas Republicans, anxious to show their patriotism and commitment to the legal process have been volunteering to sit on the DeLay jury. In fact, there are plans to turn jury duty into an impromptu fundraiser, with prospective jurors bidding for a seat in the jury box. The proceeds will go to the Texans Republican Illegal Massive Perjury and Acquittal Committee (Trimpaac) defense fund.