Washington, DC (APE) – in a stunning move today it was announced that the anticipated replacement of outgoing press secretary Scott McClellan with Fox TV news commentator Tony Snow had been scrubbed. The White House today announced that instead, effective immediately, the new press secretary would be controversial independent journalist Jeff Gannon.
It was revealed that after a rigorous security check, Snow had been found to have voiced a number of anti-administration sentiments in the past through his duties with Fox news. In the past, Snow had accused the Bush administration of “losing control of the federal budget”, “becoming something of an embarrassment”, being “more eager to please than lead”, and looking “impotent”. According to White House sources, these aspersions were, “but the tip of the iceberg”.
Fox news, upon hearing of the allegations reportedly has immediately suspended Snow pending further investigation by Fox security.
In a hastily arranged press conference, Jeff Gannon was introduced as the successor to Scott McClellan. Gannon stated that he was happy to be on board with the president in this capacity and look forward to developing deeper relationships with many in the White House.
“What can I say,” Gannon stated, “President Bush rewards loyalty. I have to be honest, it really feels good to me to be on top again.” Gannon became a controversial figure about a year ago when it was revealed that his journalism credentials were virtually nonexistent while being allowed access to the White House press pool. It was further revealed that his true name was James Guckert and that prior to his work as a reporter for “Talon News” he had dabbled in online gay Marine pornography.
Gannon stated that he was looking forward to bringing new life to the administration’s chronically sagging polls. He stated that he is toying with the idea of forming a White House staff softball team to improve morale. “I was a pretty darned good catcher in my day,” he joked with the press in attendance.