Washington — In a worldwide media exclusive, Unconfirmed Sources has been leaked a top secret plan,agreed upon by the White House, Democrats and Republicans by a source who obviously wishes to remain anonymous; …a surge of specially-trained pigs to be sent to the war zones in Iraq and Afghanistan to terrorize the Taliban.
Our source says that Senator Ken Sturber, (D) of Montana came up with the brilliant idea, which was unanimously approved by all attending the secret White House meeting seeking a solution to the Iraq fiasco.
According to our source, Sturber proposed bringing the troops home and replacing them on a one-to-one basis with pigs. ” The Holy Qur’an expressly forbids any contact whatsoever with pigs; perhaps the most strict Sharia of Islamic law,” said Sturber. “While the terrorists don’t fear armed might, they will turn and run in mortal fear from any possible contact with a pig”
“Absolutely brilliant !” exclaimed President Bush.
“Fantastic!” echoed Secretary of Defense, Robert Gates.
Immediately following the meeting, the DOD quietly requested bids from the country’s foremost pork producers; Smithfield, Armour, Swift, and Premium, issuing detailed specs for mean, vicious and large pigs, but Vice President Dick Cheney intervened.
” My old company, Brown and Root, can quickly convert to pig breeding. After all, It and Halliburton already have 100% of the billion-dollar no-bid contracts there, and I see no reason to allow another company to get a foothold.” The DOD after a brief discussion agreed, and awarded the six hundred million dollar contract to Brown and Root.
” We expect to hear an objection from Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki, that this pig surge will panic and alarm all Muslims, but he must realize that I’m running that country there, not him!” said Bush….and by all means, we absolutely can’t let the Taliban find out about this, so I want nothing to leak out of this meeting; ya hear me, NOTHING!” All solemnly agreed.
Unconfirmed Sources also agreed not to reveal our source, the three-star General Kenneth Lessing, and not to release this news item, so after you read it, PLEASE DELETE IT AND DON’T TELL ANYONE ELSE!