Tours Extended for the Deceased in Iraq

Washington, DC (APE) – In a controversial move on Sunday, secretary of defense Robert Gates announced that the United States Army and the Marine Corps would be extending tours of duty for those recently killed as a result of noncombat injuries in Iraq. The move by Gates is expected to lower the rising rate of casualties endured by the armed services since President Bush’s controversial last-ditch surge in Iraq.

The Pentagon has long been apprehensive about how best to report a growing number of fatalities that do not appear to be represented in the formal list of casualties as a result of the Iraq war. These are casualties which occur through “accidental deaths” during time of war and not necessarily in the midst of combat.

At a time when the Pentagon is struggling to put more “boots on the ground” in Iraq, this contribution from this class of recently deceased has become a welcome force multiplier.

“These guys can really kick butt,” stated commander Justin “digger” Graves. “A lot of them are really upset that they have passed on before they can make a significant contribution, and this is a real motivator.”

A spokesman for the Defense Department’s Bio-weapons technology division stated that the Army and the Marines have taken advantage of and utilized a rare virus found not suitable for dispersal in activation of their “zombie platoon”.

“It seems to reactivate and rejuvenate long dormant synaptic connections within the central nervous system,” stated a DOD scientist. “The end result is a very compliant soldier, gung ho, and thirsty for blood. A lot of these young men and women have felt that they have died needlessly, and without making a contribution. They are very highly motivated to succeed the second time around.”