Dear Mr. Chairman,
I wanted to start this letter with a more personal introduction, but no one here could remember if it was supposed be Dear Kim, Dear Jong or Dear Il. Boy, you Asian guys have a funny thing going with those backwards names. In fact, they tell me you all read everything backward, so I guess this letter won’t make much sense to you unless you get some White guy or something to read it you later. Of course, this is also in English, so there’s that problem as well. Say, do you want to hear some of the jokes we tell about you over here?
Bear in mind that I’m telling you these in the spirit of international cooperation and universal love and that I’m telling them to you only to lighten up the mood, so don’t get all huffy like Dick Cheney does when I tell jokes about him. The first one is this: How many North Koreans does it take to starve to death? Answer: All of them. Get it? That one always makes me laugh. Another one goes like this: When your daddy was looking to pick a successor to take his place he said, “hmmm, who should I choose?” and you jumped up yelling, “Pygmy! Pygmy!” Once (and I thought this one up all by myself) Condi Rice came running in to my office saying, “Mr. President, we have a problem with North Korea!” I answered, “Why, is Kim Jong Ill?” That sure broke up Dana Perino, I’ll tell you. I like having pretty women working for me because I listen better. I wish Dick Cheney was a pretty girl. Do you have pretty women in North Korea?
Look Kim…uh, Jong…er, Il…I wanna get serious here for a minute. First, I commend you for shutting down all those nuke plants, but I think you missed the point a bit; when you shut down your program, you weren’t supposed to send all the stuff to Syria and Iran. Maybe we shoulda been more clear on that, but that’s Condi’s fault, I admit it. Still, it shows your commitment to peace, and I’ve always said you should be committed. Get it? Committed. That one kills me too. Of course, it might not be as funny in North Korean.
Anyway, I’m glad you shut all that stuff down, or at least you said you did. I have enough problems in the Middle East (which was really all Don Rumsfeld’s fault, I admit it) without you running around saying you’re gonna blow up the Far East too. Even if that’s your plan, if you could just hold off saying anything about it till after the elections next year I’ll send you all the champagne, hair gel and White movies you want. Free.
Well, I gotta go take care the sub-prime mortgage crisis, which was Alan Greenspan’s fault, I admit it, but I’d sure appreciate it if you could get back to me as soon as you can. Laura and I will be outta town for Christmas, but I’m pretty sure they’ll forward your reply to me. They always tell me the bad stuff, even if there’s nothing I can do about it. I think they do it on purpose.
George W. Bush