Treasury Secretary Paulson announces porn industry bailout

WASHINGTON, D.C.–Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson and other prominent leaders held a press conference announcing a $3 trillion bailout package for recession-struck porn companies. Appearing at the conference was well-endowed porn starlet Carmella Bing.

“Porn companies have not been able to escape these tough economic times. Porn industry revenues are down,” said Secretary Paulson. “Porn is one of America’s biggest exports. It is supposed to be recession-proof, too. If porn goes, so goes the nation.”

Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi spoke about the tragedy that would befall the country if Congress fails to act. “Porn actors and actresses would find themselves out of work and starving,” Pelosi said.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke spoke about how the quality of porn would decline dramatically without the relief package. “If we don’t get this relief package to the porn industry, Americans will find their porn choices to be very limited. We most likely would end up in a situation where the only porn actresses left would be retired grandmothers who aren’t in it for the money.”

Congress is forming a Pornography Study Committee in order to review the quality of porn and economic impact of the porn industry recession. Congressional staff members are asking that Americans email all their porn to their Congressional representatives.

“I would particularly like to review certain niches, such as MILF porn and big booty porn, in order to do an economic impact study,” said Congressman John Boehner.

The bailout package, entitled the Freedom in Pornographic Choices bill, is expected to pass the through the House and Senate by next Monday. President Bush has already announced his intention on signing the bill, which would cost taxpayers several trillion dollars.