U.S. Declares Bankruptcy; China Offers Bailout

The United States of America filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection this morning after declaring losses of over $7 Trillion and assets of only $1.3 Trillion.

The United States has found itself deeply in debt from the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, failed banks and mortgage institutions, a weakened dollar overseas, stock market crashes, natural disasters, excessive government spending, mismanagement of funds, massive losses from its citizens, global warming, pollution and depleted water supplies among other things.

Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao has offered a takeover bid to take control of United States assets and turn the country communist thus alleviating the financial burdens the U.S. carries. U.S. President George W. Bush said he is contemplating the offer.

“The United States government has already taken over the banking, insurance and real estate markets”, Bush said in a prepared speech. “I think it would be in our best interests to take it the next step and turn our country into a communist dictatorship led by our allies, the people of China”.

Bush pointed out that China already controls most of the U.S. retail market. In addition, Chinese investors have been keeping the United States afloat for several years.

Arizona senator John McCain praised the bailout bid. “After I am elected I would like to hand the reigns of the United States over to our peaceful Asian neighbors the Peoples Republic of China”.

McCain’s running mate, Alaska governor Sarah Palin, also endorsed the merger of the two countries. “Once we have merged with China I will see to it that authors like John Steinbeck never again darken our libraries walls”, she stated. As governor of Alaska Palin attempted to remove dozens of books from library shelves.

The European Union said it is also contemplating a buyout offer. Russia has so far remained declined to make any offers claiming that they too are in financial decline and could not take on the burden of such exorbitant debt.