U.S. Marines Prepare to Liberate Falluja's Sister City: Chillicothe, Ohio!

Unconfirmed sources report that a small Mid-western city will be cleansed of insurgents. Locals fear they will suffer the same terrible fate as their sister city in Iraq, Falluja. US secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld commented. “During the capture and demolition of Falluja certain materials linking the two cities were found. I can’t say exactly what the evidence is, due to security reasons, but rest assured we have a direct link from Falluja to the very heart of the US, Chillicothe, Ohio.”

Following the battle plans from the “successful” mission in Falluja. Lt General James Conway will execute the Pentagons plan to surround one half of the city. “This will allow the insurgents to melt into the surrounding countryside. Once they are gone we will storm the city and dig out the unarmed sleeper cells.” General Conway went on to say, “The battle plan was specifically designed for election year fighting. The plan insures a swift hollow victory with limited Marine casualties and lots of good photos.”

Chillicothe, like many US cities signed up with Sister City international, limited. A Washington D.C. firm dedicated to linking world cites through exchange programs. “We paid $49.95 and received our sister city kit with maps and information about the city of Falluja.” The two cites never really hit it off. The Citizens of Chillicothe didn’t much like the fact that Falluja was a “Moslem” city. The one exchange group from Falluja spent one night in Chillicothe then returned on a connecting flight to New York city for a week touring “a really devil ridden civilization.” The advent of the First Gulf war caused the cities to lose touch.

Most people in Chillicothe forgot about Falluja, until the 3rd Marine division, fresh from a rotation in Iraq, began massing outside the city. Civic leaders of Ohio have come to regret signing up for the international sister cities program. Mayor Windell Wheeler said, “It seemed like a good idea at the time, our folks don’t travel much so we thought it might expose Chillicothe to other cultures outside of Ohio.

Mayor Wheeler: “Hell yes! We are surprised to find ourselves behind enemy lines in the war on terror, I asked the sheriff AL Myers; he had no idea that we had been overrun. Thank god, George Bush and the Marines are here to liberate us.”

Tom Ridge, Homeland security chief commented. “It’s a global war on terror, we must be ever vigilant. With insurgents infiltrating Ohio we can’t rest for a moment.” Ridge them announced a security alert for Ohio and the entire upper mid west. “I expect this alert will run through the mid-term elections in 2006.” Ridge went on to say, “After bin Ladins last video message it’s clear the so called “blue” and nearly “blue” states will be under a tremendous threat of terror attack.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld speaking to the troops before the assault said. “It’s going to be hard as hell, but I know we can fight our way into the hearts and minds if not the homes of these people”.