U.S. Military Funding Crystal Ball Research

Researchers from the University of California, Irvine; Carnegie Mellon University; and the University of Maryland have been working in conjunction with the United States military on revealing the prognosticating secrets of Crystal Balls.

The $12.8 million project, if successful, would eliminate all the guesswork from military intelligence and give military operations analysts perfect insight into enemy technology, the location of WMDs, where land minds are located, the location of POW prisons and much more.

“We expect this to be even more successful that our mind reading experiments”, said Military Intelligence specialist Lieutenant General John Kimmons. “Crystal Ball technology will enable us to foresee all enemy objectives and strategies in advance.”

Carnegie Mellon Crystal Ball researcher James Haughton claimed that standard crystal balls combined with state-of-the-art video recording equipment have already been used successfully in controlled laboratory experiments.

“I saw one of our female researchers climbing into a hot tub and having wild lesbian sex with a woman we only know so far as Nancy two days before it actually happened”, Haughton claimed.

The secretary, who spoke only on condition of anonymity, did not confirm nor deny Haughton’s claims. “That’s none of your f*cking business”, she declared.

Meanwhile, Russian sources claim they are already well ahead of the US in Crystal Ball research.

“We are not worried because we already know what’s going to happen to the United States”, laughed Russian Intelligence expert Sergie Putisnky.